Double Bass How do I cope?

[Keith Rawlings]

The wife and I just dropped off our daughter at her dorm at University of Texas at Austin and we are both having a hard time with it. She’s our only child and she was such a focus for the both of us for 18 years. Tonight I broke down and kind of lost it thinking about when she was little and how grown up she’s become. I know I should try and be more positive as I’m going to have so much extra time now for practice and other hobbies, but she is my mini-me (she loves music, vinyl, role playing games, fantasy and sci-fi fiction and movies and she has my sense of humor); so not having her around will be such an adjustment for me especially.

I know many of you all have gone through the same situation and how have you all handled it? Are there any tips to make this difficult time get any easier? Thanks.

 

[Don Hergert]

I'm sure she and her mom are also going through the same thing.

But, having gone through this with two sons, I can tell you the most rewarding part is 4 to 5 years down the road, realizing that you and your child are now good, in fact maybe the best, of friends. I realize, in the midst of raising our children sometimes it's hard to keep that aspect in mind. But after all the raising is over, the friendships begin.

Best to you and your family as you go through this together.

 

[johnh89]

My twin daughters both left for university 8 years ago . They came back at holidays and Xmas which was a joy . They returned home when they had finished their degrees as decent adults . It was a joy to have them return and live here . Their 4 years away had allowed them to grow as human beings in a good way . We have to let them have their own space to evolve . Take joy in that journey for them , and enjoy the prospect of what they will become .
It may seem hard now , but every return visit will bring greater reward .

 

[Chris Fitzgerald]

I completely understand, and the two answers above are fantastic. My son will be 22 in October and finishing college this year. He went to my university (because he has free tuition there), but has been living in an apartment in a small city across the river because rent is cheaper there. This empty nester time has been a challenge, but it has also been very rewarding.

All of life is a series of transitions, both for us and for our kids. I remember what a hot mess I was at that age and try to focus on what I can do to help him in his part of his transition. This includes financial things like buying most of his groceries, covering insurance and unexpected car repair bills, etc., but more importantly finding the right mix of support and freedom. We are always here when he needs us for a bad breakup, or school troubles, or whatever he’s going through. Being that backstop feels and is meaningful. And the time we do have is the best ever, because being around other young folks who didn’t have such a supportive home life reminds him that he is lucky he did, and brings us all closer together.

It’s bittersweet, to be sure, but the best advice I have - stolen from some book by Will Durant that I read decades ago - is to embrace the sweet and forgive the bitterness.

 

[buldog5151bass]

Don't push. When she gets lonely (and she will), she will call/visit.

Now you have the chance to go from father/daughter to adult friends. It takes time, but it's a great, and healthy, transition.

 

[Nuisance]

You'll soon be immersed in the world of empty nesting. Enjoy it while you can.....cause grandkids will likely enter the picture soon enough.

 

[Eighthnoterock]

Our life journeys as our musical journeys are obviously different. Even if similar. I have been blessed with 3 bio kids and 3 from my second marriage. Step is not a term used in our house…
Through this we have our 11th grandchild on the way. Everyone is local. Which is awesome! But there is still the pulling away as they all grow, whether it’s 6 or 1. Now you from a distance as needed, parent in a different way. And the same in some respects. And as some have said, now you begin to grow and develop the friendship side of your relationship with your daughter.
Love on your wife a little bit more. She needs it just like you do.

Love on your bass a little extra too…

 

[EliasA]

The wife and I just dropped off our daughter at her dorm at University of Texas at Austin and we are both having a hard time with it. She’s our only child and she was such a focus for the both of us for 18 years. Tonight I broke down and kind of lost it thinking about when she was little and how grown up she’s become. I know I should try and be more positive as I’m going to have so much extra time now for practice and other hobbies, but she is my mini-me (she loves music, vinyl, role playing games, fantasy and sci-fi fiction and movies and she has my sense of humor); so not having her around will be such an adjustment for me especially.

I know many of you all have gone through the same situation and how have you all handled it? Are there any tips to make this difficult time get any easier? Thanks.

First up, hook'em horns! My grandparents were alumni and lived in Austin. I love it there. Tell her to go to Chuy's for some Tex-Mex once she gets settled down. She'll love it. Don't worry.

 

[Gilmourisgod]

That's a painful transition, it feels like one phase of life has ended, which is more or less true. I have 4 sons gaes 21-28, one has moved to Montreal, so we see him 2-3 times a year if we are lucky now. The other three still live with us on and off, a symptom of the insane housing market in New England. Long term, they may have to move farther away just to find an affordable place to live. Cape Cod is rapidly becoming a place people commute to work to, since living here is impossible financially. You have to look forward, for your daughter, this may be one of the most exciting and memorable parts of her life, as College was for me. Embrace it!

 

[frustum]

This is the point of being a parent -- you invest in your child to prepare them for this moment. At some point the baby bird has to fly from the nest. It sounds like you have a great relationship, so don't worry -- she'll want to call you. My daughter talked to my wife at least weekly and sometimes daily.

College is half about the degree you are getting, and half training wheels for adulthood. Take pleasure in watching her mature and become a fully formed human.

 

[ProbablyTooLoud]

My girl is in her second week at college.
Thankfully, a private all girl's school less than two miles from my front door.
She loves it.
All I can do is say I can relate man - this is not easy.
But I know what's best for her: let her be, let her free, let her fly.
That's why I raised her to be a strong, independent, badass woman.

 

[Pyrrho Epoche]

My friend told me he was getting married and he was not sure if he could handle it. I told him to just keep drinking. I managed to keep myself out of the gene pool. I do know that you should embrace whatever feelings you have though. People that push feelings down, sometimes wind up being overly positive---just embrace whatever emotions you have and be yourself.

 

[TonyP-]

Stay busy, positive and plan some time with her on T-Day break. This is good time to connect more with your wife and be there for each other in this brief absence.

I’m saying that out of experience since it effected the marriages of couple of friends of mine.

You got this man.

 

[jdwinva]

Firstly, great school choice! I went through this four years ago with two kids. Two takeaways. One, texting and Facetime is a great way to stay in her life. Two, take up or immerse yourself in a hobby that you both like so you can connect over it. My son plays guitar so we connect over music.

 

[Bonecat]

My daughter did her masters in music at UTA. Austin is great as long as you don’t have to drive. Austin outgrew it’s highway/road systems 20 years ago and it’s a traffic nightmare.

UTA is a great school and your daughter will be fine. Watching the birds leave the nest is difficult, but it’s supposed to happen. As you take pride in your daughter’s progress, remember to take pride in yourselves. Her growth and accomplishments are evidence of your success as parents. She’ll have her challenges, both personal and academic, and that’s also supposed to happen. She’ll always need you to help her navigate these parts of her life - your role changes, but you’re always dad. And that’s wonderful.

Also, I recommend Magnolia Cafe for queso, and Kerbey Lane Cafe for amazing breakfasts!

 

[RichardW]

Take pleasure and pride in watching her become what she is supposed to become--an independent adult. This is a major accomplishment, especially for parents! If you've done your job right, she will come back and be in your life in a whole new way--not just a child, but a friend and supporter to you and your wife. It's a great to have a strong, loving relationship with a grown child.

 

[lermgalieu]

Dropped my son off at CMU in Pittsburgh in mid-August. Have only been mildly sad a couple of times SINCE we left (I had the feels when we dropped him off). Why?

1) He's a musician (not a music major, but looking for a way to work it into his major), and at the first family orientation session two non-music majors were playing Lean on Me (guitar, keys, vox) EXTREMELY well. That got my tears out but more importantly told me there was a place for his passion there.

2) Senior year of HS, he and my wife were at odds CONSTANTLY. I think part of it was that she was nervous about him leaving, but it came off as over-momming and getting in his business. Didn't help that he didn't get his license until the end of the year, so we were constantly "on-call" for his band and drama rehearsals.

3) Left him there with one electric (Gretsch Streamliner), one acoustic (Taylor), one bass (MIM Jazz), one guitalele and his practice amp. Within one day he was performing for the entire student body with an ad hoc band. PS he plays lefty so he needs to have any instrument he'll need (although annoyingly he can play a righty upside down almost as well).

4) Since then he's been accepted into the CMU Jazz Orchestra and Jazz Choir. He was trying out for drama clubs this weekend.

5) He said all his teachers are good and three are outstanding.

6) He barely calls us. E.g. he's good.

7) Last week he had me ship him our JBL portable (rechargeable) monitor with three inputs, three mics, and his Talkbox. He's getting ready for some advanced busking, I think.

I am not sad. I am excited that he's spreading his wings and seems to have his eyes on taking full advantage of his opportunities and becoming a man.

 

[Timmy Liam]

Your daughter is very lucky to have you as a parent. No everyone has that is this world.
You’ll get used to your new situation in time.
And I think it’s normal to feel bad about such a big transition in life.

 

[Octoplus]

I know the feeling well, as our daughter just embarked on a study abroad adventure in Denmark. One thing I remind myself regularly is that this is where the BIG growth is happening, not just for our daughter but for my wife and I as well. Feel all the feels and let those tears fly, because despite the fact that you are exemplary Dad and she will always carry you in her heart, your are also a learning, growing human.... and a bassist.

 

[jjk2007]

Yep….time to let that baby bird fly. We did the trip a couple of weeks ago and took my daughter to Liberty U in Lynchburg, VA. Coincidentally, we live in Austin and it still feels weird to have my baby be 1300 miles away….but…..that’s what we’ve been raising her up to do and we’ve been mentally preparing for this time to come so it has been a smooth transition. Thankfully with all the modern tech it is easy to communicate, see each other ‘face to face’ and stay connected. But we also want her to live ‘adult life’ so we try not to pester her too much…. As time marches on hopefully things get easier….