Mourning

Feb 19, 2003
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Montreal, Qc
Don’t worry, nobody died. I’m only mourning a chapter of my life.

I’m 51 and, let’s say, I’ve known for a while that I wouldn’t have any kind of musical career after all. Not that I was ever destined to it, but I’ve been involved in music one way or another since childhood and later, in my 20s and 30s, I’ve played bass in a few bands, one of which I always thought had real potential, at least for the local scene. But the band ended up imploding for different personal issues. (Drummer’s wife got cancer and he quit music to support her; guitar player stopped taking his bipolar meds and went full bipolar; singer hooked up with a wannabe American producer who wanted her to himself and wedged her out of the band...) They were all fantastic and creative musicians though, and I could never gather as great a band afterward.

For the last decade or so, I’ve partnered on and off with a friend who’s an accomplished songwriter and musician (guitar, keyboard and cello!). But it’s not going anywhere and whenevver we start something together, she always has good reasons not to meet and rehearse. I’ve also been looking around for other musicians to try and start what could simply be an old geezers' garage band: just for the fun of doing covers and jamming. I’d actually be really happy with that! But people my age are all very busy with their careers, families, going camping, bills, house maintenance, etc. So am I, and it is normal. But it makes it hard to get a commitment to any artistic project.

Before I go further, please don’t think that I’m expressing depression here. Getting older is mourning many of the personas that you could have become and I’m quite Zen about that. Getting older is also assuming your life choices. And, past a certain age, it’s learning to let go of little pieces of your former self.
Especially in my case, it’s not like I’ve ever invested all my energy and focus into becoming an accomplished musician, but then was somehow cheated out of it. Not at all! I am moderately talented, I’m hardworking but not obsessed enough to become a virtuoso or anything. At the most, I could have lucked out within a great band. But I didn’t: that’s life. Fair enough.

Yet sometimes, no matter how much you rationalize it, you can’t brush away the mourning phase so easily…
So, what exactly am I mourning today?

I’ve been thinking of selling my gig amp and cabs lately. The kit has been gathering dust and taking up a lot of space uselessly in one of my closets for a good decade. I simply don’t think I will ever have an occasion to play it again. It’s way too loud and bulky to play at my place, where I usually play with headphones anyway (to avoid a divorce) or quietly on my Bassman 10 combo. And anywhere I might ever gig again will probably be a small place with a PA system.

But to get back to the mourning theme… That amp, if and when I sell it, is a part of my life that I’ll be saying goodbye to.
I remember vividly the day I got the kit. I was with a band and we started renting a rehearsal space, but had to furnish our own equipment. Plus, we had started booking gigs at larger venues where we needed our own stage amplification. It was a thrilling time! From there, I went on to form the other band (the one that I mentioned earlier that had potential) and we would play in all sorts of crazy venues. More thrills! At the time, I was really invested in music and would rehearse constantly. (I even nearly abandoned my master’s degree at university because all I did was play music!)

All in all, musically speaking, those were the best years of my life! And I was really excited when I drove to buy that amp kit.
I had begun searching for a nice kit and completely lucked out on a local add. The seller was a bass player and, professionally, a sound engineer, who had taken great care of the gear. And I fell in love with his amp the moment I started reading about it:
- Seymour Duncan Bass 400 amp head.
He sold it as a package with 2 cabs:
-an Ampeg 15” cab that he had re-coned himself (super professionally!)
-and a Hartke Transporter 4x10”
I bought the whole kit for $700CAD (circa 2005).
That's the kit that is still in my closet today.

I still love that amp! It can take a beating, it is loud as hell (it can go up to 600 watts at 2 ohms!) and it’s especially able to give a clinically neutral tone, as well as boasting a 7 band EQ! Given that I played a lot at home and recorded on a sound card, I was completely happy with a stage amp that didn’t overly color the sound that I had crafted from my basses and pedal board.

I also remember, when I went over to the guy’s house to buy it, how he seemed at once super proud to sell me that great piece of equipment that he’d nurtured for all those years, while sad to let it go. He did tell me that the reason for the sale was that his «gigging days were over», and that he simply couldn’t rationally justify holding onto it anymore. I almost felt guilty taking it away from him at the time…

I haven’t completely decided to sell it yet, but it seems inevitable at this point. And I’m mourning for what it has meant to me.

I do hope, at least, that when I do decide to sell, I’ll meet an enthusiastic young bass player full of dreams for this great kit.


Thanks for reading.
 
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All very relatable tbh.
Also in a similar position with respect to whether or not I should shift some gear.

My tube amp is just amazing, but I can barely use it at home due it of course being hooked up to a BF 2. If I sell the amp, I'll still have my mini class D which will be plenty for majority of gigs I'd be likely to be involved again, but it won't be replaceable. I'll likely never see another one again! And this one has been all over the UK, hundreds of gigs and thousands of house logged.

The cab is only special to me in terms of it's offerings, but I don't need the money I could get for it right now, but it's very unlikely I'd be able to replace it in the next few years as looking too start a family.
 
Totally understand. But don't give up anything, yet. I dropped out of the music scene in the 90s at 32, reared a couple of kids, divorced.

At 52, I Began playing some tunes with an old friend with the idea of someday playing an open mic. Started going out to venues to see local bands and got to know them a little.

At 53, On a whim, went to a monthly all-comers blues jam. Came back the next month with my bass and started playing in my spare room to practice blues music and became a regular.

At 58, a few of those jammers and I formed a band.

At 60, one of the bands I was going to hear lost its bass player and invited me to fill in.

At 61 I was playing in 2 bands, blues jams and a monthly open mic night at a winery.

At 62, the alt-rock original band (3 of us 50-and-up, me the oldest) went into a studio and made a decent record.

At 66, that band is a regular gigging band and have been recording with a producer in NC to put out our second album.

At 66, I'm doing more than at any time in my life. My 18-year-old self would think I'm awesome.

Find places to play. Go check out music. Even if you don't get back into it, local bands will appreciate seeing your face in the audience.

And you may fall back into it.

You just don't know.
 

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I was at your point at age 42 - wrist issues had me sidelined, and it was over. Or so I thought.

But......at age 52, I felt prompted to practice. Dragged the bass out from underneath the bed, and started practicing. Long story short, at 66, I now play every weekend at churches. I am playing the biggest, and musically most satisfying gigs of my life, and I am the best musician I have ever been.

It might be over for you. It might not. It's never truly over until the last nail is in the lid.
 
Never give up especially when you are physically and mentally able to play and receive joy from making music. Things can go south any day. In my case this year, age 39. I’ve spent the past 5 months selling things to pay medical bills and “mourning” the person I used to be. Bassist, engineer, mechanic, athlete, traveler and so many other things I have been into over the years. Stopped in my tracks but who knows, maybe it’s a lesson I’m supposed to learn. For you sir, it’s called a slump, which WILL pass.Keep your gigging equipment and stay the course. I’ll bet you can organize the right group of people to keep making music.Don’t overthink it because someday you may not have a choice. MTFBWY
 
I dunno. I left my last band almost a year ago; after 9 years, the band calendar got fuller and fuller, to the point where we were weekend warriors working every weekend. And I was the one who lived at least an hour's drive away. It felt like the band calendar had taken over my life. So, I've been looking for a project that didn't work quite so much and was closer to home. I rehearsed for months with a surf instrumental band, played a few gigs--the Elks Club parking lot kind. Last week, the bandleader called the whole thing off. So I'm looking around again. There is a part of me that would let the whole thing go--I'm freakin' 74 years old--but it's hard. I've been playing since I was a teenager, and, especially after I retired from my day job, "bass player" became the way I identified myself. I've always said that I'll quit when nobody wants to play with me anymore. To butcher St. Augustine: Let me be free of my old self! Just...not yet.;)
 
As far as you finding a young person with the same enthusiasm, you might not . If you decide to sell ( don't do it), You might be lucky just to sell it....but also might find no one wants older heavy gear anymore....and that person might not have the greatest attitude,
So , let go of expectations..Enjoy your life and your youth now...as I am ten years older than you!!
It is exciting to read all the responses you received of others new oppertunities in their 60s.....
Hey...You never know..
Keep your Gear.....Keep your dreams
Don't grieve yet.
You still have a ways to go.....God willing
 
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Don't despair. A lot of people get back into the music scene when they hit their 60's. The kids are grown, job retirement, maybe getting to old (or decrepit) to do other highly physical activities . You have the extra time to get back into music. Our area has a large pool of older players who are good musicians, are comfortable with the idea that they will never hit it big in the music scene, and still want to play.
 
I'm 68. Play in 3 bands after 20 years of barely playing at all. Wife has had 2 strokes. Daughter died at 40.

Ebb and flow, ebb and flow. When I was a teenager, I thought life sucked, then College, than mid-thirties, kids, work, etc.
Never a quiet moment to appreciate what I had.

I agree with you about what's going on with you right now. It's painful to get older and "lose" skills, people, places, etc.

Is there any reward? Like the man said, "I gots to get paid".

I have to trudge the road of destiny and I can do it with a chip on my shoulder or with the open eyes for the next experience. Every time I give in to bitterness or anger, it takes me further from being able to learn how to be a better person. Easier preached than practiced...I know.

I wish you the best.
 
I’m staring at 50 next year, and I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. My band from 17 years ago reformed a couple years ago and things are going pretty well. Covers, but great vocals and we get good gigs.

What I would suggest, IF you are led to do so, is find a church home and audition for a bass spot. I have gone to the same church for 13 years but only started on the worship team about 3 years ago. Just from a music standpoint, I get to learn some diverse songs with some really incredible musicians. Four songs chosen a few days in advance, no rehearsal until before service on Sunday, and two live performances to open each of the two services. It has forced me to use in ears, play with multiple different people on any given Sunday, and learn songs in different keys on a continuous basis. It has really changed my approach to gear, dynamics, and playing very controlled due to full in ears being almost studio like. Full PA with sound guys, etc. I play every other weekend, and while I do it because I was given talent and want to use that for a purpose, it has made me a much better and rounded musician.

I started in my first “band” over 30 years ago. I have played more live in the past 3 years than the rest of my previous life. I am enjoying every second of it.

In short, not saying to sell the big amp, but I did…sold all my big tube heads and most of the cabs that I could sell. I use a 12lb Milkman head and a 2x12 Genzler for the country rock band (56 lbs total combined?), and I use a three pedal DI rig at church (Cali76, 64 Bassrig, tuner). Load out and in is so easy, and I forgot the “I have to have my tube head” mentality as the Milkman is so underrated and a fantastic sounding amp.
 
I'll be 60 this year and my current band will be 10. As much as I enjoyed the "transit van, up and down the M1, trying to make it" years, I've got to say the current "10 gigs and a festival or two, no pressure, no egos, great hang" band is the most fun I've had musically.
Unless you really need the extra money - or closet space! - I'd keep the amp. I've not used my Hartke stack for a decade, but I reckon it's better to have it and not need it, than need it and not have it! 😁
 
I agree with you about what's going on with you right now. It's painful to get older and "lose" skills, people, places, etc.

Is there any reward? Like the man said, "I gots to get paid".

I have to trudge the road of destiny and I can do it with a chip on my shoulder or with the open eyes for the next experience. Every time I give in to bitterness or anger, it takes me further from being able to learn how to be a better person. Easier preached than practiced...I know.
This should be a Sticky!
I am keeping your words
 
At 51 you should still have many rewarding musical years ahead of you.
I will be 70 in October and after performing since around 1981, I sort of reinvented myself in the past 2 years as not only a good bass player, but also a good singer as well. I hooked up with a new guy in town that sings and plays guitar and was doing a solo with a backing of drums (that he programmed) and him recording the bass. With the duo we share lead vocals about 50/50. I introduced him to some 90s modern rock and we will be adding Uma Thurman by Fall Out Boy. Just playing places in town, but we do a lot of songs nobody else does, along with the standard classic rock. Between the band I am in and duo, I have 11 shows this month. The duo also plays as a trio with talented drummer who sings. Here is a Pic pulled from a video about 2 weeks ago.
 

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At 51 you should still have many rewarding musical years ahead of you.
I will be 70 in October and after performing since around 1981, I sort of reinvented myself in the past 2 years as not only a good bass player, but also a good singer as well. I hooked up with a new guy in town that sings and plays guitar and was doing a solo with a backing of drums (that he programmed) and him recording the bass. With the duo we share lead vocals about 50/50. I introduced him to some 90s modern rock and we will be adding Uma Thurman by Fall Out Boy. Just playing places in town, but we do a lot of songs nobody else does, along with the standard classic rock. Between the band I am in and duo, I have 11 shows this month. The duo also plays as a trio with talented drummer who sings. Here is a Pic pulled from a video about 2 weeks ago.
In my 60s, before covid, I played in multiple band at the same time. Retros (R&B - Classic Rock) Dang (Old Country) and Seven
seize (3 piece metal) Gigged or practiced nearly every week. Now in my 70s, I keep my chops up, jam, and substitute for a couple bands. Don't die before your time. Live the life you want.
 
Keep the faith. You can still work on your chops, (learn a new genre, etc.), and try to keep an ear to the ground for new opportunities to play. Not every act needs to be a “band” in the traditional sense.

And if it were me I would sell the 4-10 cab. I don’t own any gear I can’t lift solo.
 
I've said this before here. but it's really OK if you don't want to (or can't) play music. I just turned 50, and I haven't played a gig in over a year. Before that, my interest in playing music was decreasing for a lot of reasons, but now, it's simply gone. And that's totally fine. I'm not upset or disappointed, and I don't see getting back into it.

I think many of us think it's something we're obligated to do forever, and that simply isn't true. Maybe it's sunk cost fallacy, maybe it's societal pressure, but it's really OK to stop.
 
It’s just stuff taking up space and gathering dust. Sell it if you can, give it away if you can’t.

Turn it into cash and fund other interests.

If a gig popped up today, would you want to haul the gear around? Would you need that kind of volume on stage?

Or would you be boning up on in ear, wireless gear for the low volume, quick set up stage?
 
Don’t worry, nobody died. I’m only mourning a chapter of my life.

I’m 51 and, let’s say, I’ve known for a while that I wouldn’t have any kind of musical career after all. Not that I was ever destined to it, but I’ve been involved in music one way or another since childhood and later, in my 20s and 30s, I’ve played bass in a few bands, one of which I always thought had real potential, at least for the local scene. But the band ended up imploding for different personal issues. (Drummer’s wife got cancer and he quit music to support her; guitar player stopped taking his bipolar meds and went full bipolar; singer hooked up with a wannabe American producer who wanted her to himself and wedged her out of the band...) They were all fantastic and creative musicians though, and I could never gather as great a band afterward.

For the last decade or so, I’ve partnered on and off with a friend who’s an accomplished songwriter and musician (guitar, keyboard and cello!). But it’s not going anywhere and whenevver we start something together, she always has good reasons not to meet and rehearse. I’ve also been looking around for other musicians to try and start what could simply be an old geezers' garage band: just for the fun of doing covers and jamming. I’d actually be really happy with that! But people my age are all very busy with their careers, families, going camping, bills, house maintenance, etc. So am I, and it is normal. But it makes it hard to get a commitment to any artistic project.

Before I go further, please don’t think that I’m expressing depression here. Getting older is mourning many of the personas that you could have become and I’m quite Zen about that. Getting older is also assuming your life choices. And, past a certain age, it’s learning to let go of little pieces of your former self.
Especially in my case, it’s not like I’ve ever invested all my energy and focus into becoming an accomplished musician, but then was somehow cheated out of it. Not at all! I am moderately talented, I’m hardworking but not obsessed enough to become a virtuoso or anything. At the most, I could have lucked out within a great band. But I didn’t: that’s life. Fair enough.

Yet sometimes, no matter how much you rationalize it, you can’t brush away the mourning phase so easily…
So, what exactly am I mourning today?

I’ve been thinking of selling my gig amp and cabs lately. The kit has been gathering dust and taking up a lot of space uselessly in one of my closets for a good decade. I simply don’t think I will ever have an occasion to play it again. It’s way too loud and bulky to play at my place, where I usually play with headphones anyway (to avoid a divorce) or quietly on my Bassman 10 combo. And anywhere I might ever gig again will probably be a small place with a PA system.

But to get back to the mourning theme… That amp, if and when I sell it, is a part of my life that I’ll be saying goodbye to.
I remember vividly the day I got the kit. I was with a band and we started renting a rehearsal space, but had to furnish our own equipment. Plus, we had started booking gigs at larger venues where we needed our own stage amplification. It was a thrilling time! From there, I went on to form the other band (the one that I mentioned earlier that had potential) and we would play in all sorts of crazy venues. More thrills! At the time, I was really invested in music and would rehearse constantly. (I even nearly abandoned my master’s degree at university because all I did was play music!)

All in all, musically speaking, those were the best years of my life! And I was really excited when I drove to buy that amp kit.
I had begun searching for a nice kit and completely lucked out on a local add. The seller was a bass player and, professionally, a sound engineer, who had taken great care of the gear. And I fell in love with his amp the moment I started reading about it:
- Seymour Duncan Bass 400 amp head.
He sold it as a package with 2 cabs:
-an Ampeg 15” cab that he had re-coned himself (super professionally!)
-and a Hartke Transporter 4x10”
I bought the whole kit for $700CAD (circa 2005).
That's the kit that is still in my closet today.

I still love that amp! It can take a beating, it is loud as hell (it can go up to 600 watts at 2 ohms!) and it’s especially able to give a clinically neutral tone, as well as boasting a 7 band EQ! Given that I played a lot at home and recorded on a sound card, I was completely happy with a stage amp that didn’t overly color the sound that I had crafted from my basses and pedal board.

I also remember, when I went over to the guy’s house to buy it, how he seemed at once super proud to sell me that great piece of equipment that he’d nurtured for all those years, while sad to let it go. He did tell me that the reason for the sale was that his «gigging days were over», and that he simply couldn’t rationally justify holding onto it anymore. I almost felt guilty taking it away from him at the time…

I haven’t completely decided to sell it yet, but it seems inevitable at this point. And I’m mourning for what it has meant to me.

I do hope, at least, that when I do decide to sell, I’ll meet an enthusiastic young bass player full of dreams for this great kit.


Thanks for reading.
What helped me is "down" periods of my life, was to learn to not to not associate my sense of self worth, happiness or fulfillment with anything I do, play, how I sound or perform....its nearly impossible to live to those expectations. (Effortless Mastery by Kenny Werner helped here) I have a good day job and play on the weekends simply for the fun of it, exercise and to get out of the house. I wont ever become a famous touring musician, and don't have that desire, when it stops being fun, i bow out and do something else. I just want to be the best I can be in a given moment, thats all:).
 
I dunno. I left my last band almost a year ago; after 9 years, the band calendar got fuller and fuller, to the point where we were weekend warriors working every weekend. And I was the one who lived at least an hour's drive away. It felt like the band calendar had taken over my life. So, I've been looking for a project that didn't work quite so much and was closer to home. I rehearsed for months with a surf instrumental band, played a few gigs--the Elks Club parking lot kind. Last week, the bandleader called the whole thing off. So I'm looking around again. There is a part of me that would let the whole thing go--I'm freakin' 74 years old--but it's hard. I've been playing since I was a teenager, and, especially after I retired from my day job, "bass player" became the way I identified myself. I've always said that I'll quit when nobody wants to play with me anymore. To butcher St. Augustine: Let me be free of my old self! Just...not yet.;)
Aww. sorry to hear about the Twanglos! :( Sounded good, I thought, and something a bit different. Good luck finding the next challenge!