Singer is justifably burned out, what now

DaveParker39

DaveParker39

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Feb 28, 2022
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#1
Our singer has an 8 year old son she is coparenting, recently divorced, and has a lot going on in her life.
Our guitarist tends to be pretty forward about trying to get us playing as much as possible.
Singer is feeling overwhelmed and like she might need to quit.

I spoke with singer. I asked her if she felt "playing just once a month would help you feel less burned out and you would enjoy it again" and she seemed pretty confident that it would, just less confident that the other guys would agree to it.

I, for one, would agree to it. I feel like if we play less we won't burn out our fans and we can pick and choose the good gigs and never have to lose our virtuoso lead singer.

I don't know how the rest of the band will take it. They may want to find a replacement, which is understandable. Our singer may also just simply want a clean break after the shows we already have booked, and I get that too. But the whole thing is sad... I have known her forever so she confided in me first.

I'm just very afraid if she leaves we won't find another lead singer that can do what she does half as well, and I think we should be willing to play less frequently to deliver the best version of our band.
 
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#5
It's a tough one... what comes first? The band or the person? Having an open discussion with everyone is the best thing to do.

Our drummer is in a similar situation. He's a single parent with three kids. On top of that he has to work shifts. His schedule is packed and misses practices as a result and even when he can make it it's for a maximum two hours. It's inconvenient for the band's progress. But he's a fantastic drummer (and a stand-up bloke too) so we decided to keep going as best we can. We take up as much of the work load as we can so all he has to do is play.

EDIT: I should add that we don't do this professionally. We don't rely on gigs for income.
 
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#6
I can feel her pressure, but what about her income if she quits? If the band is her only job, it seems more pressure for her to find a new job while taking care of everything.
As for the rest of you, could you find a guitarist or bassist in your band that sings comfortably onstage? That could ease the transition for the rest of you, similar to Phil Collins in Genesis.
 
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#7
I’d be flexible with her and how much she can commit to doing while also finding a new singer. My parents separated when I was in 2nd grade. I didn’t completely understand it at the time, but my mom’s life completely changed at that moment as she became the primary caregiver to me. If it were me:

1. Allow her to back out from rehearsing if needed.
2. Give her first dibs on any gigs to sing.
3. Find an alternate singer for all other gigs.

My mom went from being a SAHM to needing to work full time overnight to help put food on the table and keep a roof over our heads. Fortunately, we had good friends and neighbors who could help watch me, but money was always tight. I remember a time in middle school where we had an overnight competition coming up for jazz band, and I never brought the paperwork home to mom because I didn’t think we could afford the cost. My band instructor called my mom to asked why their bari saxophone couldn’t make it (aka, me) when he never got the paperwork back and, man, that opened up some waterworks. Fortunately, the band boosters were able to help step in.

I would go out of my way to help any parent going through this situation within reason. A little grace and flexibility from y’all could help give the mother a productive, healthy, and lucrative creative outlet and allow her to be a better person for their child. It might not work out, but I’d at least try.

The grace others showed my mom allowed us to stay in my childhood home, which admittedly was in a good area with excellent schools, and it allowed me to build lifelong friendships and ultimately become a successful adult. I only learned just how much people cared once my mom passed and I was going through the birthday and holiday cards she kept over the years. The notes others wrote were beyond touching, and the effort they made genuinely made a difference in our lives.
 
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#8
DaveParker39 said:
Our singer has an 8 year old son she is coparenting, recently divorced, and has a lot going on in her life.
Our guitarist tends to be pretty forward about trying to get us playing as much as possible.
Singer is feeling overwhelmed and like she might need to quit.

I spoke with singer. I asked her if she felt "playing just once a month would help you feel less burned out and you would enjoy it again" and she seemed pretty confident that it would, just less confident that the other guys would agree to it.

I, for one, would agree to it. I feel like if we play less we won't burn out our fans and we can pick and choose the good gigs and never have to lose our virtuoso lead singer.

I don't know how the rest of the band will take it. They may want to find a replacement, which is understandable. Our singer may also just simply want a clean break after the shows we already have booked, and I get that too. But the whole thing is sad... I have known her forever so she confided in me first.

I'm just very afraid if she leaves we won't find another lead singer that can do what she does half as well, and I think we should be willing to play less frequently to deliver the best version of our band.
Click to expand...

Once she gets a taste of 3 weeks of "freedom" (??), don't be surprised if she choses to vacate the project in its entirety. The home & family always takes priority. No harm, no foul, and good luck finding a suitable replacement if warranted.

Riis
 
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#9
Simple version:
1. Side with the band and find a singer that accepts the fast pace.
2. Side with the singer and find musicians that accept the slow pace.

Complex version:
Analyze the band, weigh each member.
Do they just play their respective role or do they bring something extra, like owning the rehearsal space (and rehearsal spaces are hard to get in your place), owning the PA which you rely on for every second gig, having all the contacts or the reputation for being the greatest <insert instrument> player in a 50 mile radius .... things like that.
Then talk with each of the band members in private and see what they desire.

If the only person wanting to keep up the pace come what may is the guitarist and said guitarist does not contribute to the band apart from playing guitar and in your place guitar players are a dime a dozen, then tell them that a guitar player is easier to replace than a singer.
 
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#11
Maybe start looking for a second singer. If they can both make a gig, great. If only one can, that will work too.

Obviously your current singer would have to be on board for this plan, but it seems like it would take some pressure off her. And if she does eventually bail, at least you have someone to carry on with.
 
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#13
I would look for another singer but tell them that the original singer may want to sit in once a month. That way you keep the original singer but work in a replacement. With her life she may have to cancel a gig occasionally and this way you have a built in replacement.
 
#14
Sorry if I missed it, but what's the goal/purpose of the band. Is it to generate income or to have a happy place for all band members.

If you want to generate income, the question is how do you generate income without her. Either with a permanent or temporary replacement.

If you all have day jobs and want a happy place, work with her. It might be the perfect opportunity to start a project on the side for the rest of the band.

Band aside if she's truly burned out you got to watch her. About 3 years ago I was seriously burned out from work. To the point where I had serious suicidal thoughts. Support from my wife and my boss got me out of that low but I already had a plan to make it look like an accident. Talk to her and make sure she's OK.
 
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#15
Mismatched expectations can lead to this type of thing. Bands aren't easy to get everyone on the same page. Life changes alter the reasons folks want to do what they do and when. I understand that some guys want to gig all the time.. some occasionally.
 
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#17
Are you the group leader? If yes, you have a big say in what happens. However, I think this is probably a situation that should be resolved more democratically. Before you get to that point, get a feel for what the vocalist is willing and able to handle. Then decide if you are okay with it. If yes set up a group meeting.

In the types of bands I generally played in, this would not have been much of a problem. The corporate band I played in used different people on pretty much every show. I was probably about the C call as my military commitments took priority. One vocalist got the call most of the time, but other vocalist took her place from time to time. This band did not rehearse unless we were preparing original music, which I only remember happening once. To facilitate this way of operating, the band had a book. You could play by ear and use the book for songs you did not have down.

In the military bands I played in, another vocalist would step in as needed. We rehearsed regularly in these bands to learn new material and tighten up transitions between songs. We generally did not rehearse just to play through songs we already knew. A few rehearsals would typically be used to bring in a new vocalist. However if we used the vocalist again in the future, less rehearsal were required.

Musicians in military bands use and read written music, but we were expected to perform covers from memory. Before rehearsing material, we scratched out a lead sheet and identified which version of songs we were covering. Everyone was expected know the song well enough to play off the written music at the first rehearsal. In the last groups I ran, we often played in material till a scratch recording could be made and the moved on. The idea with the scratch recording is to have a reference for how the band actually plays. It's basically a play along so people can practice and refine their part with the band instead of the original recording. We frequently recorded concerts, and use them as more polished reference recordings.

If we needed to bring in someone to cover a part, we could send them the lead sheets and reference recordings, so they could learn all of material before arrival.

You could consider lining up a new primary vocalist and greatly reducing how much you rely on the current vocalist. Make and maintain reference recordings, and theoretically she has what she needs to prepare and stay current. Rehearse with the new vocalist however much makes sense.

I am not saying this will work, only that it's an idea to consider. I can work, although success will probably require the group leader to manage change so everyone goes along with it.
 
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#18
Dlew919 said:
Is it a full time band? As in are the others reliant on the income? Maybe you could get another part time singer ?
Click to expand...

Iristone said:
I can feel her pressure, but what about her income if she quits? If the band is her only job, it seems more pressure for her to find a new job while taking care of everything.
As for the rest of you, could you find a guitarist or bassist in your band that sings comfortably onstage? That could ease the transition for the rest of you, similar to Phil Collins in Genesis.
Click to expand...
None of us rely on the band as sole income. It’s good money but we all have non band jobs.

The two-singer approach is probably an option.

I am not the BL here, but I am closest with the singer of the band and have known her since before the band.
 
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#20
How many people on average attend your gigs? If you are playing three times a month and each show has only a handful of people that arrive just to see you, it might be a good idea to go for quality over quantity. It is funny how the more often a band plays, the less incentive there may be to see them since you can always catch the next one next week.

But I also get that band leaders sometimes have a hard time saying no to gigs. Play it without her and divide the money into less parts.
 
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