Sitting at the precipice of a major lifestyle change

dtsamples

dtsamples

Apr 15, 2010
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#1
Hey, my friends-

So, I sit here at the precipice of a major lifestyle change, and I thought it might be appropriate to share.

Over the past 10 years or so, I've really poured my effort, attention, and money into music. I've pursued it from many different angles. I've let it distract me from my wife, my day job, my home, and over the last three years, my children. I've told myself that if I can just "make it," things will get better. I've hooked up with a semi-famous artist and have taken any gig he has thrown at me, hoping that it would get me closer to the great unknown that is success and joy as a part of Music.

I am near divorce. I am tired and sad.


Last Wednesday, my wife of 10 years and I smashed dishes while yelling at each other while the kids took naps. We have been in counseling for quite some time but things seem to go the proverbial 1 step forward and 2 steps back. Our families live nearby, but they don't help much with the kids. I work full time, and she stays home full time, and we both resent each other. My 8-month-old daughter cries a lot, doesn't sleep much, and doesn't take good naps. My 3-year-old daughter throws fits constantly. They are truly sweet and beautiful children, but I think they sense the familial stress.

Last Thursday, against the advice of my therapist, my wife and I got into the car to drive 15 hours out to her brother's wedding, something we'd been planning for months. We resolved as we always do to try to work together and cut each other slack. At 6 hours in, we were at each other's throats.

At 3 days in, we were working together.

At 7 days in, it was like we were a team again.


Our trip covered 2200 miles in 7 days with our children. During that time, I felt a bit of an urge to play guitar, but I felt very little need to play in a band. I felt content to listen to and enjoy music. I felt content to drive with my family, to look out the window, to drive silently and hold my wife's hand. The trip was not without its challenges, but we worked together as a family.


Now that we're back, I feel reality pulling us back.


My wife and I have always loved road tripping together; in fact, it's one of the few passions we share. We've always talked about selling our home, buying a cheaper home more towards the middle of the US, and buying an RV. We want our girls to see the states, to develop an appreciation for travel and an idea of the breadth of the US, and we want them to know they don't have to engage in the rat race and be seduced by the material world if they don't want to. So, we're back in talks of doing so—of moving to a rural, central town, buying a less expensive home, and buying an RV and showing our girls the expanse of it all. A more relaxed and more free existence.

I'd already quit two of my three projects prior to the trip (basically out of fatigue), and the only thing now is the semi-famous artist. I'm considering throwing it all away to become a member of my family. Many would suggest that I should get divorced as things have become so tense and as I've admitted, we share few passions. They'd say that vacation can't last forever. Many would call it a desperation move, and perhaps it is. I can tell you honestly though, it has been a long time since I've felt joy like I felt on that trip. Prolonged and sustained, and in a way that music has not given me heretofore.

I've begun a gear purge, keeping enough stuff to fulfill my obligations to the aforementioned musician and to keep myself happy, as I'm sure I'll still play. Our families won't receive this news well, and if I'm honest, it is likely to all peter out once the feeling passes. I'm quite capricious and convincing, and my wife is almost always willing to embrace my excitement about an idea. As such, we've had a lot of big ideas we've never followed through on. Maybe this post is an attempt to keep the feeling alive. One thing is for sure: the way things have been going, something has to change.

Anyway, thanks for listening. This site has been both a blessing and a curse over the past 6 years, and where better to share it. If any of you have done or felt anything similar, I'd love to hear your story.





-----------------------------------------------------------

UPDATE:
Thanks to all who have chimed in. Perhaps ironically, this is the best experience I've had on TalkBass yet.

I've emailed the musician to let him know my decision, to tell him that I'd honor my obligations to him, and that I'd appreciate if he could sub me for any of the dates coming up. I probably should've called, but I don't know that I could've kept my resolve. I did tell him I'd be happy to discuss on the phone now that I've laid it out. I thanked him and told him honestly how much I enjoy his music, the experiences we shared, and that were I a single man with no kids I'd have damn near quit my job to take whatever dates he could give me. I hope he understands, but I can imagine it being quite a frustrating message to receive with all the work he has to do as his own manager these days.

Having a clear schedule can't come soon enough.
 
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#2
Very sorry to hear about your marriage problems. It isn't really clear from the post what the source of your problems are. The fact that you could reach the point with her on a trip where you felt like a team seems like a hopeful sign, however. There must be something still there.

I'm not a marriage counselor, and I don't know what your counselor has already said or what you've already done. One thing I can say is that you can't make decisions on the assumption that the other person will change. However, you can change yourself. To turn a bad relationship around, one thing you may need to do is take a hard look at yourself and ask what you might be doing that's contributing to the problems, and ask yourself what you can do to change it.

That's what I had to do. For instance, early in our marriage there were a lot of things that I just assumed were "her" business - a lot of the traditional housewifey things - and I was willing to help with them but only if she asked me to. Otherwise I kind of minded my own business and did what I wanted. I didn't realize how much that really laid the burden on her and how disengaged I was. I had to turn around to be more proactive, learn to keep an eye out for what might need doing and do it without waiting to be asked. That probably saved my marriage.

Another thing I learned was to stop keeping score. Marriage isn't a 50/50 deal, it's 100/100. If you keep a tally in your head of things you've done that she owes you for or things she's done you don't like that you have a grievance over, then no matter what, you will ALWAYS find a way to count it in a way that says you're doing more than your share and she isn't doing hers - and she will do the same with the tally she's keeping in her head about you. Just do whatever needs doing and forgive whatever needs forgiving and trust her to do the same, forget about the score, and you can make it work. That's what I found, anyway.

Like I said, these are just the lessons that I had to learn. I don't know what the dynamics of your marriage are or what needs to happen, but if any of that is helpful, that's what I've got. Best of luck to you.
 
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#4
Hang in there brotherman. Marriage is never easy, especially when music is involved. But the kids add a whole other dimension that really need to be taken into account. It sounds like the road trip really put some hope back into the relationship - hang onto that.

The thing about music is that you can always come back to it. Kids grow up really really fast, and before you know it, they will be out with friends, driving your car all of the time, and asking for $$. Lots of music time available when this happens!
 
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#6
I would only add that find others musical outlets. Praise Team, local weekend warriors etc.
If your wife married you knowing you were a,musician then some give on her part should be there.
You need to find a way to balance music and family. At times both will lose out to the other, but a balance as best you can.
God's speed my friend
Duke
 
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#7
Jump back into your family. And play music when you can simply for the joy of it.
I consider myself lucky. I got to do both as well. I played music off and on for a living for a couple decades. Then I met my wife. We started having kids. I started a couple companies and found a day job I love. Now I play music for joy. I turn down gigs I don't want.

That life you described out in the Midwest sounds amazing. Go to your wife. Forget keeping score on anything that has happened up until now. Ask her to join you in a new life centered around the family. Thank her for all of the sacrifices she made while you were pursuing your dream of music. Settle down and enjoy them. And play music for joy.

On the flipside of that coin is a dear friend of mine. He's a little older than me (almost 50). He is balding on top and has a gut. He pestered me for years to join his next big Rock Band project. He still thinks he is going to make it as a rock star. He has driven his awesome wife nuts and missed much of his kids' childhood (they are teenagers about to leave him). He had never been happy with the many blessings he has been given. He has moved from job to job because he gets fired for taking too much time off for music pursuits. I doubt his marriage will survive after his kids move out. And he'll wind up being that sad old tattoo covered single guy standing in the front of the state at young bands' shows and sitting at bars remembering the glory days.

Don't be that guy. Be the first guy. Dad. Husband. Guy who plays music for joy.
 
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#9
Marriage is compromise.
It's also, especially when there are children involved, a hell of a lot more important than an unlikely dream of 'making it'.
As you say, time to re-focus on what really matters.
Down the line, as the kids grow up, you'll get your free time back and may be able to go all-out on playing again (At least, that's my plan :)).
In the meantime, I can only wish you and your family a happy life together.
 
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#10
Here's some photographic evidence. It was great, a really beautiful trip. Been a long time since we smiled so consistently.
image.jpeg
image.jpegimage.jpegimage.jpegimage.jpegimage.jpegimage.jpegimage.jpeg
 
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#11
That's an awesome-looking family !
Well worth putting some time and hard work into.
Way I see it, you guys put the next 15/20 years into those kids (and yourselves, of course, but let's face it, it should be mostly about the kids), you've still got plenty of good years left to do what you want after that.
Again, best of luck!
If you can keep those smiles on those faces, it's all good.
 
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#12
I played full time from when I was 18 to about 23. Then I was married for 22 years. Hardly played when married: Music wasn't paying my bills and family/work took precedence.

I got divorced a while back (kids were already in college and it had nothing to do with music) and was in a deep funk - started playing again - that helped me find myself again after the divorce, and I've never stopped playing since then - bands, jams and sometimes just by myself - except when work responsibility forced me to stop for a couple of months once in a while.

Fact is, I mess around with women sometimes, but being involved heavily in music has held me back from getting deeply involved with a woman. At my point in life, music is my thing and it takes precedence: I'm past the age of having a family - my kids are all grown up and paid for.

To be a good working musician takes a lot of time and effort and usually involves travelling, being exposed to plenty of temptation in the form of women/groupies etc - it's hard to juggle that with being a family man.

So you need to decide what takes precedence, and as long as your kids aren't grown up and on their own, if you're a decent responsible adult you'll do whatever is necessary to take care of them and be their father (whether or not you get divorced). That's something that can't wait - but music can wait. And if you think cutting back on music will help your marriage - go for it - in the end it will be worth it.

You can still keep your music warm - play casually, for fun - once in while on weekends etc - practice half an hour at night. When the time comes, you can go back and rock full time (or maybe you'll just lose the urge and move on - it does happen). Yeah, you'll be older and maybe behind the times, but if you're good, you'll find your place. Meanwhile you'll have "done the right thing".

HTH - You've got a beautiful family - hang in there and Good Luck!
 
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#14
hrodbert696 said:
Very sorry to hear about your marriage problems. It isn't really clear from the post what the source of your problems are. The fact that you could reach the point with her on a trip where you felt like a team seems like a hopeful sign, however. There must be something still there.

I'm not a marriage counselor, and I don't know what your counselor has already said or what you've already done. One thing I can say is that you can't make decisions on the assumption that the other person will change. However, you can change yourself. To turn a bad relationship around, one thing you may need to do is take a hard look at yourself and ask what you might be doing that's contributing to the problems, and ask yourself what you can do to change it.

That's what I had to do. For instance, early in our marriage there were a lot of things that I just assumed were "her" business - a lot of the traditional housewifey things - and I was willing to help with them but only if she asked me to. Otherwise I kind of minded my own business and did what I wanted. I didn't realize how much that really laid the burden on her and how disengaged I was. I had to turn around to be more proactive, learn to keep an eye out for what might need doing and do it without waiting to be asked. That probably saved my marriage.

Another thing I learned was to stop keeping score. Marriage isn't a 50/50 deal, it's 100/100. If you keep a tally in your head of things you've done that she owes you for or things she's done you don't like that you have a grievance over, then no matter what, you will ALWAYS find a way to count it in a way that says you're doing more than your share and she isn't doing hers - and she will do the same with the tally she's keeping in her head about you. Just do whatever needs doing and forgive whatever needs forgiving and trust her to do the same, forget about the score, and you can make it work. That's what I found, anyway.

Like I said, these are just the lessons that I had to learn. I don't know what the dynamics of your marriage are or what needs to happen, but if any of that is helpful, that's what I've got. Best of luck to you.
Click to expand...

Maybe the best advice I've ever read on Talkbass. Thanks man.
 
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#16
Time is non-renewable resource. Your kids only grow up once. Your wife and you are only early-middle aged once. Music will always be there in some fashion. Maybe the analysis shifts a bit of a truly exceptional gig opportunity falls into your lap, but if otherwise it all is same-old same-old, even with the semi-famous artist, then it makes a lot of sense to put the family first.
 
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#19
I have been playing bass since I was 10. I was playing when I met my wife and she was ok with it. In fact, music paid for our dates. After we were married, I realized my priorities needed a little adjustment. But, when my children were born I had no doubt that my family was going to be #1. That didn't mean that I never played music or stopped loving music. After all, the music was "in" me and I couldn't prevent or forget that. I simply choose to play when it fit my family's schedule and I didn't miss my kids growing up. I figured after time passed and my kids became adults, that I would have more time to play music. I was right. My kids are 19 and 16 and I have been able to play and sing with them and other places. But I do not regret putting them first. I love music and it is constantly some how going through my mind. I wouldn't mind playing everyday, but I enjoy 2-3 nights a month and in church on Sunday. Now I'm 46, and I can't think of any entertainer, venue, album, etc that I would trade for my time with my kids as they grew up. Don't be too selfish. Your family is a gift just like your music, the more time you spend with it, the better you get at it. I wish you the best my friend. Peace to you.
 
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