…And that’s how the fight started

[KellyC]

Just as stories of band drama and breakups are a perennial TB favorite, there is a whole genre of jokes that end with the line “And that’s how the fight started.” Here is what happened to my band over the past two weeks.

De-facto BL (AKA He who brings the gigs) runs a monthly community theatre production and we have been the house band for the past two years.He does lead vocals, is probably a better showman then actual singer. It’s fun and keeps me busy, as nearly every month we try to come up with and learn 4-5 new songs to go with the theme of the show. The band ranges from someone teetering on the edge of geezerhood (me) at 70, to our guitarist (who also plays accordion or tenor sax for some tunes) who is just about half my age and also has the rehearsal space; a fully equipped music setup in a stand alone garage/outbuilding. BL can be a bit strong headed, but also overly sensitive to criticism. He also has a tendency to make inappropriate comments. Guitarist can be dickish at times, but is generally considerate and thoughtful. He is also newly married and hoping to start a family. Ther ehas already been some tension between BL and guitarist and BL and me due mostly to BL’s over sensitivity.

BL had missed a weekly rehearsal and thus the announcement “Hey, Lorna (his wife) is pregnant!!” Congrats all around. At the start of next rehearsal Guitarist tells BL “He, Lorna is pregnant!!” BL replies “Oh, are you going to try figuring out who the father is?” Not so good. Guitarist takes strong offense, and rather than popping BL in the mouth as was his first impulse. He instead got up in BL’s face over an incident wherein BL was inconsiderate to a guest at a private party at which we had recently played. BL left rehearsal in a huff, not at all happy about Guitarist being right up in his grille and clearly pissed off.

BL, whom I have known for like 30 years, and I talked today. He’s done with Guitarist, uncomfortable in his presence, says “It’s no longer fun.” We have one gig in September (our first real world gig at a good music venue) and then I think we’re done. BL won’t come to rehearsals, and second guitarist/singer is out of the country until next month. We’re going to be short on good rehearsal time, and I fear our upcoming gig is going to suck.

Long term, do we stick with BL and replace Guitarist (and find a new rehearsal space)? I’m kind’a pissed at BL and think he should just be an adult and get over it. Who knows.

Off to rehearsal (w/o BL) now.

Sometimes, a come to Jesus meeting can work.

Lay the cards on the table. "Look. BL, you're an oversensitive baby who can't take constructive criticism. Guitar? You're a moody curmudgeon. And me? I am offensively handsome and charming. So we've all got our own ugly baggage to own, so let's just own it and get on with making music."

 

[Markmann]

I was a BL many years ago. We were all young and I had a PA and we practiced at my house so that automatically made me the BL. It was ok until it wasn't. The other guys started to resent me for different reasons which sucked but that's how it was. After that I never wanted to be a BL again. Also never want to be in a band with drama... Life is too short.

 

[vvvmmm]

I have been the BL or co-BL for 30+ years, type A, often lead guitarist, usually one of the lead vocalists, and I know how to record and have the gear, and I write, and I know how to organize.

The worst part? When a guy leaves and you don't really know why. Just lost another drummer (it's almost always the drummer) and I don't really know why.

That's why Dawg invented loops and the ability to re-use the drum tracks I recorded.

Still have the bassist, and two other guitarists, one of whom started on bass.

It is again a recording project vs. a live band.

 

[GIBrat51]

I think most of us can agree that we might bust our friends stones but there is clearly previous tension and this just set it off. Its up to OP if he thinks he can continue with the BL.

Yeah, I'll have to agree... This strikes me as very much a "final straw" moment. And, if it is? I'd say that the likelihood of smoothing things over is somewhere between Slim - and None. And there's a good chance that Slim has left town...

 

[Philonius]

The end result here is still a bit uncertain, but BL has told me he doesn’t want to be around the LG guy. So- we’re out a multi-instrumentalist and rehearsal space because somebody’s fee-fees got hurt. Though BL and I have been friends for a long time, my desire to work with him after the current shows we have lined up is minimal.

 

[Neil Martin]

We obviously don't know what the relationship is like between you guys. Also depends how it was said. I say things to my bandmates (and vice versa) which I would never dream of saying to other people. Its just the way our relationship is. We like to have a bit of "banter". It sounds like there's some underlying issue here tbh. What are you REALLY angry about needs to be asked. Or maybe the BL could do something ridiculous like apologising.

 

[Low End Scum]

You know, I'm currently dealing with some drama but instead it's a bunch of moody early to mid 20 year olds. So it's less potentially offensive comments but the same vibe. I laid it out to them. You don't get to decide for someone whether or not you pissed them off or to what degree. We're all different and if we want to work in this we have to deal with eachother.

In my case it's "Maybe, Mr Singerman, you don't poke at the drummer incessantly to where you're even criticizing the way he's eating his food. You might think you're funny and lampooning your friend but all everyone else sees is you being kind of a dick" followed by "Maybe, Mr Drummerman, the singer guy thought he was being funny and we let this one go but also y'all need to talk about things instead of this weird quasi awkwardness where you both are confiding in me and and the guitarist because y'all are passive aggressive kids. I'm not going to be the band therapist".

I can let a lot of stuff go so BL's comment probably wouldn't have bothered me, but I can see how it could bother someone. It's tonedeaf and if he's already sensitive I'd say I'd go with guitarist/practice space. It's not impossible to book your own gigs especially if you retain the band name and thus name recognition.

 

[Parzival]

You know, I'm currently dealing with some drama but instead it's a bunch of moody early to mid 20 year olds. So it's less potentially offensive comments but the same vibe. I laid it out to them. You don't get to decide for someone whether or not you pissed them off or to what degree. We're all different and if we want to work in this we have to deal with eachother.

In my case it's "Maybe, Mr Singerman, you don't poke at the drummer incessantly to where you're even criticizing the way he's eating his food. You might think you're funny and lampooning your friend but all everyone else sees is you being kind of a dick" followed by "Maybe, Mr Drummerman, the singer guy thought he was being funny and we let this one go but also y'all need to talk about things instead of this weird quasi awkwardness where you both are confiding in me and and the guitarist because y'all are passive aggressive kids. I'm not going to be the band therapist".

I can let a lot of stuff go so BL's comment probably wouldn't have bothered me, but I can see how it could bother someone. It's tonedeaf and if he's already sensitive I'd say I'd go with guitarist/practice space. It's not impossible to book your own gigs especially if you retain the band name and thus name recognition.

Worst drama is the drama you are not even aware of.

Wait, what, xxx is offended by that? Wait, yyy doesn’t feel that that is ok?

For us Gen X folks still trying to jam out out there, this kind of silliness is a real concern, though we don’t know it until it’s too late.

 

[Low End Scum]

Worst drama is the drama you are not even aware of.

Wait, what, xxx is offended by that? Wait, yyy doesn’t feel that that is ok?

For us Gen X folks still trying to jam out out there, this kind of silliness is a real concern, though we don’t know it until it’s too late.

I find it's similar for Millennials. The youngest of us are 30+ now. I'm 31 and for the first time am not the youngest in my band. I went straight to the oldest. All the musicians in my age bracket I have played with though have seen bands break up for just about every conceivable reason. To me, it's always a personnel issue at it's core. One way or the other. Few bands if any ever quit cause they just decided their music sucked. They quit cause XXX would try to cut YYY's heart out with a broken whiskey bottle if they were in the same room again.

I think the only way that I haven't lost a band so far over personnel is through the end of a relationship. Much though Lady Scum wants to do vox in one of my projects, that complication is one I've always wanted to avoid. And I'd hate for any potential drama coming from us to be a part of anything in my music.

 

[vvvmmm]

Well, I just lost the 6th drummer in a row because they joined a cover band.

No drama, just a phone call that he's too busy now having joined same.

I feel like I'm the minor league for drummers or sompin'.

So there's that.