Hello Folks.
I broke the Golden Rule, and unwittingly joined a band where the vocalist / lead guitarist's wife was also in the band. It was a 5-piece;
Backing vox (5.) never helped with loading / unloading, any set-up or tear-down (important to note for later) and was always keen to share opinion - and talk down anyone else's opinion. There was a lot of "fannying" between songs once we started gigging. (1., 2., 3. would often share a look and an eye-roll on stage while waiting for them to be ready to start the next tune.
And it was clear that (5.) never practiced guitar. Audience feedback sometimes said "why is she there?" or "what does she bring to it?" (never to her, of course, or the BL).
And sound-checks were a nightmare that often looked like a domestic while (1.) and (2.) tried to get their PA mixer set-up via the iPad (it's a Behringer XR18 - not massively complex, with on-stage amps and IEMs - at their request). No help was ever accepted - even though it was constantly offered. Made the rest of us uncomfortable. As an average, soundchecks took an hour because of this.
While the rest of us enjoyed the tunes, and the gigs (once sound-check was over), it was never allowed to point anything out to make the situation better. Always met with "I disagree" or "we disagree".
And then (5.) started arriving late for rehearsals and leaving early due to a new pet in the house.... and nothing said against this by anyone (we all know pets are as important as family, and a good respite from the daily grind). Didn't change the set-up and tear-down (or loading their van) for the rest of us, as she never helped anyway.
Anyhow... (3.) left due to a house move (different county, so unfeasible to continue - I can't say he would have left anyway, but I think it was close).
And (3.) was replaced with a friend of mine (new 3.) on rhythm guitar. For his first gig, he initially couldn't make it due to prior commitments.... we knew this so it was fine. We planned to do the gig as a 4-piece and swapped some tunes out for simpler ones. At the last minute he arrived and played the gig, as things had changed and he managed to rearrange at home. He arrived while we were setting up; a nice surprise for us, you'd think... The gig went well.
For (new 3.)'s second gig, he told us the day before that he'd be half an hour late arriving at the gig due to family stuff... and that's when it all kicked off. (1.) sent some messages on the WhatsApp group about "can't expect someone to just drop an amp and play, and think that's enough" (which clearly wasn't the case - it was half an hour, I'd said I was happy lifting his share of kit out the van, and with set-up and soundcheck taking well over an hour and a half, we could easily soak that up. And it was only his second gig). Things got a bit personal, and (new 3.) felt uncomfortable (as did I, I felt he was unfairly treated there) and he didn't feel he could do the gig - so phoned (1.) who talked him down and persuaded him to do the gig. As usual (5.) did diddly squat to help, and just spent the set-up and tear-down time drinking and talking at the bar (as was the norm at gigs). However, the actual gig went well.
(new 3.) quit the band the next day via the WhatsApp group. I was expecting this, as he's a good friend, and we had spoken before and after the gig at length.
(5.) then sent messages to the WhatApp group explaining about how being in a band meant everyone "doing their share" and that it was a "commitment" and that "we say family life comes first, but...." (the "but" therefore means it doesn't, in my view!). The hypocrisy in that put everything into perspective for me.
It was a case of "everyone else has to put an effort in, but I don't" from (5.). I'd thought this for a while, but this was the last straw. I felt like "I'm married to the Band Leader, so it's my band" meant she assumed she could do whatever she wanted, and the rest of us had to put all the effort in.
So I quit.
I felt bad for doing it, as we had done some really good gigs. We weren't paid well (fuel money at best, didn't cover the IEM kit we all bought).
Anyhow. I'm not looking for sympathy - I have my next project "in the bag" (orchestra pit for a local charitable thing - scout's gang-show) so I'll get my fix learning a load of new tunes with new people.
It's my warning to you.... never work with a couple, married or not. You'll probably work unfairly harder than one of them (and that one of them will be let off - always), and you'll never be allowed to share (or have) an opinion that differs from theirs.
It's the Golden Rule.
I broke the Golden Rule, and unwittingly joined a band where the vocalist / lead guitarist's wife was also in the band. It was a 5-piece;
- drums (nice guy to work with)
- bass (me)
- rhythm/ lead guitar (also a very nice guy to work with)
- lead vox / lead / rhythm guitar (nice guy to work with - most of the time) - BL
- backing vox / backing rhythm guitar (married to lead vox (4.) above).... and that's where the trouble starts. BL's wife.
Backing vox (5.) never helped with loading / unloading, any set-up or tear-down (important to note for later) and was always keen to share opinion - and talk down anyone else's opinion. There was a lot of "fannying" between songs once we started gigging. (1., 2., 3. would often share a look and an eye-roll on stage while waiting for them to be ready to start the next tune.
And it was clear that (5.) never practiced guitar. Audience feedback sometimes said "why is she there?" or "what does she bring to it?" (never to her, of course, or the BL).
And sound-checks were a nightmare that often looked like a domestic while (1.) and (2.) tried to get their PA mixer set-up via the iPad (it's a Behringer XR18 - not massively complex, with on-stage amps and IEMs - at their request). No help was ever accepted - even though it was constantly offered. Made the rest of us uncomfortable. As an average, soundchecks took an hour because of this.
While the rest of us enjoyed the tunes, and the gigs (once sound-check was over), it was never allowed to point anything out to make the situation better. Always met with "I disagree" or "we disagree".
And then (5.) started arriving late for rehearsals and leaving early due to a new pet in the house.... and nothing said against this by anyone (we all know pets are as important as family, and a good respite from the daily grind). Didn't change the set-up and tear-down (or loading their van) for the rest of us, as she never helped anyway.
Anyhow... (3.) left due to a house move (different county, so unfeasible to continue - I can't say he would have left anyway, but I think it was close).
And (3.) was replaced with a friend of mine (new 3.) on rhythm guitar. For his first gig, he initially couldn't make it due to prior commitments.... we knew this so it was fine. We planned to do the gig as a 4-piece and swapped some tunes out for simpler ones. At the last minute he arrived and played the gig, as things had changed and he managed to rearrange at home. He arrived while we were setting up; a nice surprise for us, you'd think... The gig went well.
For (new 3.)'s second gig, he told us the day before that he'd be half an hour late arriving at the gig due to family stuff... and that's when it all kicked off. (1.) sent some messages on the WhatsApp group about "can't expect someone to just drop an amp and play, and think that's enough" (which clearly wasn't the case - it was half an hour, I'd said I was happy lifting his share of kit out the van, and with set-up and soundcheck taking well over an hour and a half, we could easily soak that up. And it was only his second gig). Things got a bit personal, and (new 3.) felt uncomfortable (as did I, I felt he was unfairly treated there) and he didn't feel he could do the gig - so phoned (1.) who talked him down and persuaded him to do the gig. As usual (5.) did diddly squat to help, and just spent the set-up and tear-down time drinking and talking at the bar (as was the norm at gigs). However, the actual gig went well.
(new 3.) quit the band the next day via the WhatsApp group. I was expecting this, as he's a good friend, and we had spoken before and after the gig at length.
(5.) then sent messages to the WhatApp group explaining about how being in a band meant everyone "doing their share" and that it was a "commitment" and that "we say family life comes first, but...." (the "but" therefore means it doesn't, in my view!). The hypocrisy in that put everything into perspective for me.
It was a case of "everyone else has to put an effort in, but I don't" from (5.). I'd thought this for a while, but this was the last straw. I felt like "I'm married to the Band Leader, so it's my band" meant she assumed she could do whatever she wanted, and the rest of us had to put all the effort in.
So I quit.
I felt bad for doing it, as we had done some really good gigs. We weren't paid well (fuel money at best, didn't cover the IEM kit we all bought).
Anyhow. I'm not looking for sympathy - I have my next project "in the bag" (orchestra pit for a local charitable thing - scout's gang-show) so I'll get my fix learning a load of new tunes with new people.
It's my warning to you.... never work with a couple, married or not. You'll probably work unfairly harder than one of them (and that one of them will be let off - always), and you'll never be allowed to share (or have) an opinion that differs from theirs.
It's the Golden Rule.
