I broke the Golden Rule....

#41
Rip Van Dan said:
Sorry to hear it was such a mess for you. Sounds like you fell in with a bunch of unprofessional compadres. Married couples in groups aren't always a bad thing.
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I'm currently playing with one as well. Smooth sailing with pros...

On the other hand, I've been in bands where members who were both single hooked up, and the implosion was quick to follow. :laugh:
 
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#42
Yep. 100% red flag. Your opinion will never amount to anything unless it is you agreeing that either of the couple's opinion is most excellent. And if they ever disagree you cannot agree or disagree with either because that means you disagree with both of them.
Been there. Never again. Now you know.
 
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#43
JRA said:
in spite of your experience with the wannabes you threw in with, "unwittingly," the golden rule is already what it is --- and it's not about playing in bands where there is a "couple." 🤣


i appreciate your effort on the subject, but you're generalizing from your bleak experience to/for an audience with members who have had the opposite experience with "couples": they were/are couples who ran (or were a part of) a professional organization and expected professionalism from everyone else involved.

no, it isn't the "golden rule." :) however, if everyone involved in your bunch had actually been practicing the golden rule: things might have been more professional and productive, and i'm real sure things would have turned out differently for the folks involved no matter the disposition of the band.

professionalism....which is another way to say "no drama." you don't have to be 'the best player' to be a real musician or a full-time player to be a professional. even hobbyists can appreciate the efficiency of professional behavior. it's just a different way to have more "fun." it makes it all about the music instead of all about the personalities. ;) :bassist:

glad you're onto something else. good luck! 👍
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Yeah I agree with this. A couple doesn’t necessarily mean people will be hypocritical jerks. I worked with a woman singer and her husband was solid, and she was, well, flighty as hell but a good song writer and a great performer. I loved working on stage with her.

But I hate hypocritical people who won’t chip in on the hard work somewhere along the line. If they then get all sanctimonious and preachy criticizing other people for not working hard enough, I would say something. Loudly and repeatedly.

One band I am in has a woman lead singer and she doesn’t help much with moving gear or setup, but she’s a complete beast when it comes to booking, book keeping, and promoting gigs. That’s doing more than her share as far as I am concerned.
 
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#46
Hurricane Jimmie said:
So Anyway, please provide your best remembrance of how you asked her about 'still going out'. :laugh:
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The cool thing about that situation, the BL was in the backgrund watching and I earned a lot of cred... (his opinoin of me was more important to me anyway since he was an old guy (25)) to describe her reaction... I'd say she was speachlessly ticked off and stormed off, shame was she drove the coolest AMC Pacer. Well as cool as they can get anyway.
 
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#48
PiquetBass said:
Hello Folks.

I broke the Golden Rule, and unwittingly joined a band where the vocalist / lead guitarist's wife was also in the band. It was a 5-piece;
  1. drums (nice guy to work with)
  2. bass (me)
  3. rhythm/ lead guitar (also a very nice guy to work with)
  4. lead vox / lead / rhythm guitar (nice guy to work with - most of the time) - BL
  5. backing vox / backing rhythm guitar (married to lead vox (4.) above).... and that's where the trouble starts. BL's wife.
It was all fine during rehearsals, it's a grunge covers band doing Stone Temple Pilots, Nirvana, AIC and the like (all good tunes - more popular than you'd think); however once we started "dress" rehearsals towards actual gigs things started to unravel a bit.
Backing vox (5.) never helped with loading / unloading, any set-up or tear-down (important to note for later) and was always keen to share opinion - and talk down anyone else's opinion. There was a lot of "fannying" between songs once we started gigging. (1., 2., 3. would often share a look and an eye-roll on stage while waiting for them to be ready to start the next tune.
And it was clear that (5.) never practiced guitar. Audience feedback sometimes said "why is she there?" or "what does she bring to it?" (never to her, of course, or the BL).
And sound-checks were a nightmare that often looked like a domestic while (1.) and (2.) tried to get their PA mixer set-up via the iPad (it's a Behringer XR18 - not massively complex, with on-stage amps and IEMs - at their request). No help was ever accepted - even though it was constantly offered. Made the rest of us uncomfortable. As an average, soundchecks took an hour because of this.
While the rest of us enjoyed the tunes, and the gigs (once sound-check was over), it was never allowed to point anything out to make the situation better. Always met with "I disagree" or "we disagree".

And then (5.) started arriving late for rehearsals and leaving early due to a new pet in the house.... and nothing said against this by anyone (we all know pets are as important as family, and a good respite from the daily grind). Didn't change the set-up and tear-down (or loading their van) for the rest of us, as she never helped anyway.

Anyhow... (3.) left due to a house move (different county, so unfeasible to continue - I can't say he would have left anyway, but I think it was close).

And (3.) was replaced with a friend of mine (new 3.) on rhythm guitar. For his first gig, he initially couldn't make it due to prior commitments.... we knew this so it was fine. We planned to do the gig as a 4-piece and swapped some tunes out for simpler ones. At the last minute he arrived and played the gig, as things had changed and he managed to rearrange at home. He arrived while we were setting up; a nice surprise for us, you'd think... The gig went well.

For (new 3.)'s second gig, he told us the day before that he'd be half an hour late arriving at the gig due to family stuff... and that's when it all kicked off. (1.) sent some messages on the WhatsApp group about "can't expect someone to just drop an amp and play, and think that's enough" (which clearly wasn't the case - it was half an hour, I'd said I was happy lifting his share of kit out the van, and with set-up and soundcheck taking well over an hour and a half, we could easily soak that up. And it was only his second gig). Things got a bit personal, and (new 3.) felt uncomfortable (as did I, I felt he was unfairly treated there) and he didn't feel he could do the gig - so phoned (1.) who talked him down and persuaded him to do the gig. As usual (5.) did diddly squat to help, and just spent the set-up and tear-down time drinking and talking at the bar (as was the norm at gigs). However, the actual gig went well.

(new 3.) quit the band the next day via the WhatsApp group. I was expecting this, as he's a good friend, and we had spoken before and after the gig at length.

(5.) then sent messages to the WhatApp group explaining about how being in a band meant everyone "doing their share" and that it was a "commitment" and that "we say family life comes first, but...." (the "but" therefore means it doesn't, in my view!). The hypocrisy in that put everything into perspective for me.
It was a case of "everyone else has to put an effort in, but I don't" from (5.). I'd thought this for a while, but this was the last straw. I felt like "I'm married to the Band Leader, so it's my band" meant she assumed she could do whatever she wanted, and the rest of us had to put all the effort in.

So I quit.

I felt bad for doing it, as we had done some really good gigs. We weren't paid well (fuel money at best, didn't cover the IEM kit we all bought).

Anyhow. I'm not looking for sympathy - I have my next project "in the bag" (orchestra pit for a local charitable thing - scout's gang-show) so I'll get my fix learning a load of new tunes with new people.

It's my warning to you.... never work with a couple, married or not. You'll probably work unfairly harder than one of them (and that one of them will be let off - always), and you'll never be allowed to share (or have) an opinion that differs from theirs.

It's the Golden Rule.
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Congrats. Life is too short to put up with this. Further, you shouldn’t feel bad about quitting.
 
#49
Back in my uni days, grandpa speaks, I was in a just-forming band with a bit of a Yoko story, except the Yoko was in the band, playing the drums. Same sex, same musical abilities. You know it's bad when you're a terrible bass player and everybody looks at you for an indication of tempo and rhythm, as she was all over the place. Third rehearsal we had, there were about 2x the number of expected people, mostly her "entourage", including ever-present and habitually jealous boyfriend. About two or three attempts at playing a song in, I switched off the bass amp, put my bass in its case and walked out shaking my head. It may have crumbled after that, never heard from any of them again.

Fortunately music is a hobby for me, so I can be picky. I feel for the people in bad bands that are stuck because they need the income.
 
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#51
I will say this first. The majority of my gigging life- more than a half-Century- with well knowns and unknowns, has-beens and never has beens.. and plenty of good old working local bands that help pay the rent. Casinos, clubs, tours, sessions.. regardless of who, what, and where, there was always some human interaction beyond what many times I cared to engage in. Most of my time in bands and as a sideman, has been backing women. Sometimes they're married to someone in the band, other times they're simply sleeping with one of the guys. It never mattered to me. The degree of drama varied wildly, from super cool and professional, to drug fueled, protection order episode of "Cops" violent and dangerous. I've experienced that, and everything in between.
The one standout, was in about 2016. A local couple, who are pretty ego driven narcissists, the woman was and is used to relying on her looks and a nice rack to manipulate men and audiences- wasted almost two years of my life, rehearsing, breaking in new guitar players (5 total). At my age, that time is extremely valuable. The story is way too long, and complex to go into, but they used me, and lied to me, and then fired me in an e-mail, because of something I said, that had nothing to do with them, or music, or the band. They are still working, and that's good. I bear them no malice. They are bad people, pretending to be cool people. The World is full of them. I'm old, and now, that makes me feel a sense of peace and contentment.
 
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#53
Five or Six said:
It's even trying sometimes to play with friends. Playing with a "couple", no way in hell, never! Sounds to me like the problem was a gutless BL if you want to call him that. #5 would have got the boot altogether. You wanna BS, do it on your time not the bands time. Work first. This wasn't a band, it was a cluster from the git go.
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Looking back, you're spot on. I only wonder why I stuck it out for so long (2 years in total).
 
#54
39-Bassist said:
Well I will agree with you on this one. Been there done that also, never again. Also (not always but) working with a female in the band is also very tough to do. And of course a no way for me. (bad taste in mouth with 1/2 the band wanting to date her...lol)
It is good that you were able to move on and have other work lined up. Good luck in your new endeavor.
BTW, do the H & W team looking for other members again to continue and did you explain your issues with them so they know?
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They plan to continue - auditions done, and my replacement already recruited. They do know why I left, but don't agree that I'm right about it!

Even good friends of theirs (who I'm also friends with) have told them that "she always spoils it....". But again, message received with tumbleweed.
 
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#55
brianrost said:
Saturday night I opened for an old bandmate of mine (going back to the mid 90s when he was still in high school) who soon went pro way above my pay grade touring and recording as sideman for well known national acts. For his latest band, his partner comes to all the gigs, carries in most of the gear, even helping with the drums, and sets most of it up. She handles the merch table and manages his online presence and promotion (she was shooting phone videos all night), plus I’m guessing she’s behind his current stage look. I told him before he started on Saturday that I was expecting him to blow me away and in fact he did. His playing was better than ever, his singing has seriously improved since I last saw him three years ago and his stage presence was electric.

Having known him for so long, he’s incredibly lucky to have her watching his back. He’s always been all about the music and not so much about TCB. He had one band that attracted serious management who had him touring as an opener for their big name clients, but he folded the band while mgmt was shopping a kickass album (I have copies of the mixes) that ended up unreleased...c’est la vie.

I wish him and his partner all the best.
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This was what I wished for when the band started.... I got the opposite.

I'm glad there are exceptions (evident in the many posts here).
 
#58
PiquetBass said:
They plan to continue - auditions done, and my replacement already recruited. They do know why I left, but don't agree that I'm right about it!

Even good friends of theirs (who I'm also friends with) have told them that "she always spoils it....". But again, message received with tumbleweed.
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No longer your circus, no longer your monkeys. Enjoy the lack of stress and concern and your next musical endeavor!
 
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#60
Well, I'm the band leader and my wife plays keyboard in my band, so we are the proverbial H/W team. We both are not young anymore, and I daresay we gathered some wisdom over the passed years, so there's virtually no drama in the band... but sometimes I still wonder what our bandmates are talking about behind our backs. ;)
 
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