I broke the Golden Rule....

#21
PiquetBass said:
Hello Folks.

I broke the Golden Rule, and unwittingly joined a band where the vocalist / lead guitarist's wife was also in the band. It was a 5-piece;
  1. drums (nice guy to work with)
  2. bass (me)
  3. rhythm/ lead guitar (also a very nice guy to work with)
  4. lead vox / lead / rhythm guitar (nice guy to work with - most of the time) - BL
  5. backing vox / backing rhythm guitar (married to lead vox (4.) above).... and that's where the trouble starts. BL's wife.
It was all fine during rehearsals, it's a grunge covers band doing Stone Temple Pilots, Nirvana, AIC and the like (all good tunes - more popular than you'd think); however once we started "dress" rehearsals towards actual gigs things started to unravel a bit.
Backing vox (5.) never helped with loading / unloading, any set-up or tear-down (important to note for later) and was always keen to share opinion - and talk down anyone else's opinion. There was a lot of "fannying" between songs once we started gigging. (1., 2., 3. would often share a look and an eye-roll on stage while waiting for them to be ready to start the next tune.
And it was clear that (5.) never practiced guitar. Audience feedback sometimes said "why is she there?" or "what does she bring to it?" (never to her, of course, or the BL).
And sound-checks were a nightmare that often looked like a domestic while (1.) and (2.) tried to get their PA mixer set-up via the iPad (it's a Behringer XR18 - not massively complex, with on-stage amps and IEMs - at their request). No help was ever accepted - even though it was constantly offered. Made the rest of us uncomfortable. As an average, soundchecks took an hour because of this.
While the rest of us enjoyed the tunes, and the gigs (once sound-check was over), it was never allowed to point anything out to make the situation better. Always met with "I disagree" or "we disagree".

And then (5.) started arriving late for rehearsals and leaving early due to a new pet in the house.... and nothing said against this by anyone (we all know pets are as important as family, and a good respite from the daily grind). Didn't change the set-up and tear-down (or loading their van) for the rest of us, as she never helped anyway.

Anyhow... (3.) left due to a house move (different county, so unfeasible to continue - I can't say he would have left anyway, but I think it was close).

And (3.) was replaced with a friend of mine (new 3.) on rhythm guitar. For his first gig, he initially couldn't make it due to prior commitments.... we knew this so it was fine. We planned to do the gig as a 4-piece and swapped some tunes out for simpler ones. At the last minute he arrived and played the gig, as things had changed and he managed to rearrange at home. He arrived while we were setting up; a nice surprise for us, you'd think... The gig went well.

For (new 3.)'s second gig, he told us the day before that he'd be half an hour late arriving at the gig due to family stuff... and that's when it all kicked off. (1.) sent some messages on the WhatsApp group about "can't expect someone to just drop an amp and play, and think that's enough" (which clearly wasn't the case - it was half an hour, I'd said I was happy lifting his share of kit out the van, and with set-up and soundcheck taking well over an hour and a half, we could easily soak that up. And it was only his second gig). Things got a bit personal, and (new 3.) felt uncomfortable (as did I, I felt he was unfairly treated there) and he didn't feel he could do the gig - so phoned (1.) who talked him down and persuaded him to do the gig. As usual (5.) did diddly squat to help, and just spent the set-up and tear-down time drinking and talking at the bar (as was the norm at gigs). However, the actual gig went well.

(new 3.) quit the band the next day via the WhatsApp group. I was expecting this, as he's a good friend, and we had spoken before and after the gig at length.

(5.) then sent messages to the WhatApp group explaining about how being in a band meant everyone "doing their share" and that it was a "commitment" and that "we say family life comes first, but...." (the "but" therefore means it doesn't, in my view!). The hypocrisy in that put everything into perspective for me.
It was a case of "everyone else has to put an effort in, but I don't" from (5.). I'd thought this for a while, but this was the last straw. I felt like "I'm married to the Band Leader, so it's my band" meant she assumed she could do whatever she wanted, and the rest of us had to put all the effort in.

So I quit.

I felt bad for doing it, as we had done some really good gigs. We weren't paid well (fuel money at best, didn't cover the IEM kit we all bought).

Anyhow. I'm not looking for sympathy - I have my next project "in the bag" (orchestra pit for a local charitable thing - scout's gang-show) so I'll get my fix learning a load of new tunes with new people.

It's my warning to you.... never work with a couple, married or not. You'll probably work unfairly harder than one of them (and that one of them will be let off - always), and you'll never be allowed to share (or have) an opinion that differs from theirs.

It's the Golden Rule.
Click to expand...
Mm…mileage may vary. I work with a married couple now, both are in multiple bands and it’s easily the most successful project I’ve ever been with.
 
  • Like
Reactions: DJ Bebop, Wasnex and JRA
#23
A band I was in during the Nineties, the Lead Singers girlfriend was around a lot. At first everything was cool. After a few weeks I got clear signals she liked me. I never moved on her. The LS seemed to notice her behavior, although sometimes subtle, and he was outwardly against me. They fired me. When I went to get my gear the new Bass player was using my rig.
 
  • Angry
  • Wow
Reactions: DJ Bebop, Hillie and Wasnex
#24
I feel your pain, OP.
I’ve been in both extremes of this situation before. One was great- husband/wife duo, he on piano and she the lead vocalist. Think show tunes, pop standards, light jazz, etc.. They got nice work and loved having me play bass with them. They were talented, nice people and I’m sorry I lost touch with them.

Then there was the originals band later on- drummer husband, singer wife, guitar and me. Constant arguing that would spill into rehearsals and even onstage. We were all young and on various substances so that didn’t help. I even had known the rule but reluctantly joined after the guitar man badgered me into it. Nightmare.
Win some, lose some.
 
  • Like
Reactions: DJ Bebop and Wasnex
#25
It sounds like your situation was complicated, I don't know if there is a way to know that ahead of time. I'm in a seven-piece covers band where the lead singers are married and awesome. They work hard, they participate, they load and unload, they each sing great, and they sing even better together. I love playing with the whole group. Perhaps it's a personality thing, not a general thing (not talking about Fleetwood Mac or Jefferson Airplane/Starship sorts of situations, of which I have no first-hand experience).
 
  • Like
Reactions: DJ Bebop, Hillie and Wasnex
#26
PiquetBass said:
Hello Folks.

I broke the Golden Rule, and unwittingly joined a band where the vocalist / lead guitarist's wife was also in the band. It was a 5-piece;
  1. drums (nice guy to work with)
  2. bass (me)
  3. rhythm/ lead guitar (also a very nice guy to work with)
  4. lead vox / lead / rhythm guitar (nice guy to work with - most of the time) - BL
  5. backing vox / backing rhythm guitar (married to lead vox (4.) above).... and that's where the trouble starts. BL's wife.
It was all fine during rehearsals, it's a grunge covers band doing Stone Temple Pilots, Nirvana, AIC and the like (all good tunes - more popular than you'd think); however once we started "dress" rehearsals towards actual gigs things started to unravel a bit.
Backing vox (5.) never helped with loading / unloading, any set-up or tear-down (important to note for later) and was always keen to share opinion - and talk down anyone else's opinion. There was a lot of "fannying" between songs once we started gigging. (1., 2., 3. would often share a look and an eye-roll on stage while waiting for them to be ready to start the next tune.
And it was clear that (5.) never practiced guitar. Audience feedback sometimes said "why is she there?" or "what does she bring to it?" (never to her, of course, or the BL).
And sound-checks were a nightmare that often looked like a domestic while (1.) and (2.) tried to get their PA mixer set-up via the iPad (it's a Behringer XR18 - not massively complex, with on-stage amps and IEMs - at their request). No help was ever accepted - even though it was constantly offered. Made the rest of us uncomfortable. As an average, soundchecks took an hour because of this.
While the rest of us enjoyed the tunes, and the gigs (once sound-check was over), it was never allowed to point anything out to make the situation better. Always met with "I disagree" or "we disagree".

And then (5.) started arriving late for rehearsals and leaving early due to a new pet in the house.... and nothing said against this by anyone (we all know pets are as important as family, and a good respite from the daily grind). Didn't change the set-up and tear-down (or loading their van) for the rest of us, as she never helped anyway.

Anyhow... (3.) left due to a house move (different county, so unfeasible to continue - I can't say he would have left anyway, but I think it was close).

And (3.) was replaced with a friend of mine (new 3.) on rhythm guitar. For his first gig, he initially couldn't make it due to prior commitments.... we knew this so it was fine. We planned to do the gig as a 4-piece and swapped some tunes out for simpler ones. At the last minute he arrived and played the gig, as things had changed and he managed to rearrange at home. He arrived while we were setting up; a nice surprise for us, you'd think... The gig went well.

For (new 3.)'s second gig, he told us the day before that he'd be half an hour late arriving at the gig due to family stuff... and that's when it all kicked off. (1.) sent some messages on the WhatsApp group about "can't expect someone to just drop an amp and play, and think that's enough" (which clearly wasn't the case - it was half an hour, I'd said I was happy lifting his share of kit out the van, and with set-up and soundcheck taking well over an hour and a half, we could easily soak that up. And it was only his second gig). Things got a bit personal, and (new 3.) felt uncomfortable (as did I, I felt he was unfairly treated there) and he didn't feel he could do the gig - so phoned (1.) who talked him down and persuaded him to do the gig. As usual (5.) did diddly squat to help, and just spent the set-up and tear-down time drinking and talking at the bar (as was the norm at gigs). However, the actual gig went well.

(new 3.) quit the band the next day via the WhatsApp group. I was expecting this, as he's a good friend, and we had spoken before and after the gig at length.

(5.) then sent messages to the WhatApp group explaining about how being in a band meant everyone "doing their share" and that it was a "commitment" and that "we say family life comes first, but...." (the "but" therefore means it doesn't, in my view!). The hypocrisy in that put everything into perspective for me.
It was a case of "everyone else has to put an effort in, but I don't" from (5.). I'd thought this for a while, but this was the last straw. I felt like "I'm married to the Band Leader, so it's my band" meant she assumed she could do whatever she wanted, and the rest of us had to put all the effort in.

So I quit.

I felt bad for doing it, as we had done some really good gigs. We weren't paid well (fuel money at best, didn't cover the IEM kit we all bought).

Anyhow. I'm not looking for sympathy - I have my next project "in the bag" (orchestra pit for a local charitable thing - scout's gang-show) so I'll get my fix learning a load of new tunes with new people.

It's my warning to you.... never work with a couple, married or not. You'll probably work unfairly harder than one of them (and that one of them will be let off - always), and you'll never be allowed to share (or have) an opinion that differs from theirs.

It's the Golden Rule.
Click to expand...
What a terrible situation. The blatant hypocrisy would be a deal breaker for me too.

Only I would definitely have told her how full of poopie she was.
 
  • Like
Reactions: DJ Bebop and Wasnex
#28
PiquetBass said:
It's my warning to you.... never work with a couple, married or not. You'll probably work unfairly harder than one of them
Click to expand...

Saturday night I opened for an old bandmate of mine (going back to the mid 90s when he was still in high school) who soon went pro way above my pay grade touring and recording as sideman for well known national acts. For his latest band, his partner comes to all the gigs, carries in most of the gear, even helping with the drums, and sets most of it up. She handles the merch table and manages his online presence and promotion (she was shooting phone videos all night), plus I’m guessing she’s behind his current stage look. I told him before he started on Saturday that I was expecting him to blow me away and in fact he did. His playing was better than ever, his singing has seriously improved since I last saw him three years ago and his stage presence was electric.

Having known him for so long, he’s incredibly lucky to have her watching his back. He’s always been all about the music and not so much about TCB. He had one band that attracted serious management who had him touring as an opener for their big name clients, but he folded the band while mgmt was shopping a kickass album (I have copies of the mixes) that ended up unreleased...c’est la vie.

I wish him and his partner all the best.
 
  • Like
Reactions: DJ Bebop, HolmeBass, Wasnex and 2 others
#29
I did 2 auditions with a woman singer and the BL at his place and I thought the vibe was weird. Oh well, when me and my wife went to a sauna spa up north, they were there together for the weekend and I did see him with his wife grocery shopping. Glad they did not hire me.
 
  • Like
Reactions: DJ Bebop
#31
in spite of your experience with the wannabes you threw in with, "unwittingly," the golden rule is already what it is --- and it's not about playing in bands where there is a "couple." 🤣

PiquetBass said:
It's my warning to you.... never work with a couple, married or not.
Click to expand...
i appreciate your effort on the subject, but you're generalizing from your bleak experience to/for an audience with members who have had the opposite experience with "couples": they were/are couples who ran (or were a part of) a professional organization and expected professionalism from everyone else involved.
PiquetBass said:
It's the Golden Rule.
Click to expand...
no, it isn't the "golden rule." :) however, if everyone involved in your bunch had actually been practicing the golden rule: things might have been more professional and productive, and i'm real sure things would have turned out differently for the folks involved no matter the disposition of the band.

professionalism....which is another way to say "no drama." you don't have to be 'the best player' to be a real musician or a full-time player to be a professional. even hobbyists can appreciate the efficiency of professional behavior. it's just a different way to have more "fun." it makes it all about the music instead of all about the personalities. ;) :bassist:

glad you're onto something else. good luck! 👍
 
  • Like
Reactions: DJ Bebop, jTrolt and Wasnex
#32
20ish years back I had a few practices with a cover band in Detroit. After 2-3 practices, they must have been comfortable with me, because the guitarist (single male) and singer (married female) started disappearing for 30 min or so on “break”. I had one foot out the door at that point when they announced that we needed to switch practice spots and next practice we would be cleaning out her basement. Like bugs bunny, pretty sure I left a “me” shaped hole in the wall as I ran as fast as I could.
 
  • Haha
Reactions: DJ Bebop, Hillie, jTrolt and 1 other person
#33
PiquetBass said:
Hello Folks.

I broke the Golden Rule, and unwittingly joined a band where the vocalist / lead guitarist's wife was also in the band. It was a 5-piece;
  1. drums (nice guy to work with)
  2. bass (me)
  3. rhythm/ lead guitar (also a very nice guy to work with)
  4. lead vox / lead / rhythm guitar (nice guy to work with - most of the time) - BL
  5. backing vox / backing rhythm guitar (married to lead vox (4.) above).... and that's where the trouble starts. BL's wife.
It was all fine during rehearsals, it's a grunge covers band doing Stone Temple Pilots, Nirvana, AIC and the like (all good tunes - more popular than you'd think); however once we started "dress" rehearsals towards actual gigs things started to unravel a bit.
Backing vox (5.) never helped with loading / unloading, any set-up or tear-down (important to note for later) and was always keen to share opinion - and talk down anyone else's opinion. There was a lot of "fannying" between songs once we started gigging. (1., 2., 3. would often share a look and an eye-roll on stage while waiting for them to be ready to start the next tune.
And it was clear that (5.) never practiced guitar. Audience feedback sometimes said "why is she there?" or "what does she bring to it?" (never to her, of course, or the BL).
And sound-checks were a nightmare that often looked like a domestic while (1.) and (2.) tried to get their PA mixer set-up via the iPad (it's a Behringer XR18 - not massively complex, with on-stage amps and IEMs - at their request). No help was ever accepted - even though it was constantly offered. Made the rest of us uncomfortable. As an average, soundchecks took an hour because of this.
While the rest of us enjoyed the tunes, and the gigs (once sound-check was over), it was never allowed to point anything out to make the situation better. Always met with "I disagree" or "we disagree".

And then (5.) started arriving late for rehearsals and leaving early due to a new pet in the house.... and nothing said against this by anyone (we all know pets are as important as family, and a good respite from the daily grind). Didn't change the set-up and tear-down (or loading their van) for the rest of us, as she never helped anyway.

Anyhow... (3.) left due to a house move (different county, so unfeasible to continue - I can't say he would have left anyway, but I think it was close).

And (3.) was replaced with a friend of mine (new 3.) on rhythm guitar. For his first gig, he initially couldn't make it due to prior commitments.... we knew this so it was fine. We planned to do the gig as a 4-piece and swapped some tunes out for simpler ones. At the last minute he arrived and played the gig, as things had changed and he managed to rearrange at home. He arrived while we were setting up; a nice surprise for us, you'd think... The gig went well.

For (new 3.)'s second gig, he told us the day before that he'd be half an hour late arriving at the gig due to family stuff... and that's when it all kicked off. (1.) sent some messages on the WhatsApp group about "can't expect someone to just drop an amp and play, and think that's enough" (which clearly wasn't the case - it was half an hour, I'd said I was happy lifting his share of kit out the van, and with set-up and soundcheck taking well over an hour and a half, we could easily soak that up. And it was only his second gig). Things got a bit personal, and (new 3.) felt uncomfortable (as did I, I felt he was unfairly treated there) and he didn't feel he could do the gig - so phoned (1.) who talked him down and persuaded him to do the gig. As usual (5.) did diddly squat to help, and just spent the set-up and tear-down time drinking and talking at the bar (as was the norm at gigs). However, the actual gig went well.

(new 3.) quit the band the next day via the WhatsApp group. I was expecting this, as he's a good friend, and we had spoken before and after the gig at length.

(5.) then sent messages to the WhatApp group explaining about how being in a band meant everyone "doing their share" and that it was a "commitment" and that "we say family life comes first, but...." (the "but" therefore means it doesn't, in my view!). The hypocrisy in that put everything into perspective for me.
It was a case of "everyone else has to put an effort in, but I don't" from (5.). I'd thought this for a while, but this was the last straw. I felt like "I'm married to the Band Leader, so it's my band" meant she assumed she could do whatever she wanted, and the rest of us had to put all the effort in.

So I quit.

I felt bad for doing it, as we had done some really good gigs. We weren't paid well (fuel money at best, didn't cover the IEM kit we all bought).

Anyhow. I'm not looking for sympathy - I have my next project "in the bag" (orchestra pit for a local charitable thing - scout's gang-show) so I'll get my fix learning a load of new tunes with new people.

It's my warning to you.... never work with a couple, married or not. You'll probably work unfairly harder than one of them (and that one of them will be let off - always), and you'll never be allowed to share (or have) an opinion that differs from theirs.

It's the Golden Rule.
Click to expand...
I'm in a band with a married couple. The person that does the least in the band is actually not one of those two people. It's far from a perfect band, run in an unimpeachable way, but the two married people are at least not the slackers for setup/breakdown/doing their share. I think it's more about the people as individuals than that some might be a couple, but everyone has different experience on this.
 
  • Like
Reactions: WI Short Scaler, bassfran, DJ Bebop and 1 other person
#34
I've been in a few bands. None have had the couple, married or otherwise. I play on occasion with a married couple who do the acoustic singer/songwriter thing. It' sa nice change and easy. No issues as we don't really rehearse and don't have a lot of gear or gigs.

Someone mentioned females in the band as a no go for them. I have no issues with a female in the band. She can dish and she can take.

I have worked with both male and currently female lead vocals. The guy NEVER helped. Too busy schmoozing. I hated that. Good singer but I never fully bought into him because he didn't help with the crappy part of gigging. The current female does a lot. Hauls in what she can - lights, stands, stuff like that. Helps set up and strike lights. I appreciate that even though she doesn't know a lot (this has been her first band experience) about the technical part - lights, sound, cables, etc. - she at least contributes and does whet she can.
 
  • Like
Reactions: DJ Bebop and Wasnex
#40
I have had good experiences with the 2 bands that had a married couple in them. They both pulled their weight and were team players.
I have had questionable experiences with a band that has a brother and sister in it. The sister sings about 2/3ds of the time, tends to not help as much with load in/out and overly manages the direction of a lot of the songs and how we play them.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top Bottom
Back