I like your stylish/cool (especially, visual) bass playing.
Just a few of my thoughts about that pattern.
You tend to rush the third note (after D2, up A2), D3 ( and the next C3).
That second D is more pronounced (as Off- beat) but not aggressive.
Plus, after that high D3, there is D2 before the bass starts with those F F# G G # A C.
Also, the original riff is played more legato, and the note lengths like the second note, A2 and/or the fifth note, A2 is a little bit longer and stops right before the snare hit.
Anyway.
That's how I work at a slow tempo with a metronome, that's how I analyze my "bassing", that's how I see my "issues".
Here is one bar of your recording at a slow tempo.
https://www.talkbass.com/attachment...9/?temp_hash=f52a0fc0495bb1619a44105236a20d65