Don't want to be the uptight one anymore

[duruk]

I have been playing bass for more than 10 years, been in and out of many bands through various genres, never considered myself as a great bass player (but always tried to compensate by working my parts more than enough) and worked with musicians who I perceive to be both above and below my level of musicianship.

However I have always been unhappy about a certain aspect of the people or bands I worked with. Either they did not come to rehersals prepared, did not have adequate control over their instrument, did not select the right songs, did want to rehearse too much or too little, did not know how to entertain the audience, did not listen to what other band members played on stage, did play too fast or too slow, played drunk, did not know how to set the right price for shows etc. The list goes on and on.. I feel like I can rant forever. And there have been bad shows, a lot of them. where I could read the boredom of audiences from their faces and the band members still blamed the audience for "not knowing how to have fun" and not recognizing the fact that the band did not groove!

I'm feeling tired; I am fed up with being the one who always points out the shortcomings, the mistakes. Sometimes I try to convince myself, I must be really the only one who's wrong on how things should be running. That the show we did last week was actually "not that bad" (but somehow the band was not rehired the week after). But then they do something that (according to me) denies all logic and I find myself trying to "correct" people again. I actually blabber a lot, trying not to offend people but still wanting to correct them. And this happens so regularly and through so many different bands I am sure some people must see me as a PoS. For once, I want to stop being so uptight be an easy-going band mate and enjoy the music I make. Does anyone feel anything similar? Any insight would be appreciated.

 

[ShadowGroover]

Identifying a problem is a first step. How not to be uptight? Relax. Practice gratitude, forgiveness, acceptance, and positivity. Apply to situations, yourself, and others. Create positive, encouraging affirmations, mentally repeating them over and over.

Consider seeking a coach or counselor for some help. Best to you moving forward.

 

[duruk]

Identifying a problem is a first step. How not to be uptight? Relax. Practice gratitude, forgiveness, acceptance, and positivity. Apply to situations, yourself, and others. Create positive, encouraging affirmations, mentally repeating them over and over.

Consider seeking a coach or counselor for some help. Best to you moving forward.

Thank you for the reply. And I agree, this is the answer to what I asked, and what I have to do. But practicing gratitude would have been much easier if people practiced their parts properly before coming to rehearsals or gigs

 

[sludgetail]

Keep your head up my friend, like ShadowGroover said, it’s a big thing that you recognize some of the challenges and identify what may be causing them. That said, I’ve struggled with a lot of the same over the course of playing with different people when I was younger and even up until recently in some cases…

Sometimes aspects of what you describe can be a positive trait, things that may make you an effective band leader if harnessed properly. Sometimes they can be destructive, and especially to yourself (as you probably know) — wearing on you and your soul over time.

The important thing is, is that you recognized it and now are moving towards a more “chill” future and one where you’ve poised yourself for growth into the next level of your playing, mindset, heart, career, and as a player & human.

An old acting coach once said to me, when I was being “uptight” or wound too tight rather, “hey, remember… we’re just playing… we’re having fun.” And it was a serious gig. But he brought it back to the mindset and reality that we’re just here PLAYING. Having fun and enjoying our time with others and bringing joy to others… core things for any musician as well.

This lesson always stuck with me, and no matter what I’ve gotten into or who I’ve worked with since then (for the most part as I’m only human), I have to keep in mind that “we’re just playing.” This takes a lot of weight off my shoulders no matter what I’m doing or what the situation is — it keeps me grounded and reminds me that in the grand scheme of things, what I’m doing or what the band or team may be doing doesn’t really matter sh*t all… we’re just “playing,” we’re just having fun.

Make time to forgive yourself for the past mistakes or times where you’ve come off as less than yourself and who you know you are, or what is truly in your heart. Keep your head up and enjoy the ride — with some slight tweaks on viewpoint, I know you’ll feel a lot lighter in future interactions and the weight on your back will be a lot less as well.

Best of luck my friend.


Edit:
Ps - on a side note if the band is not practicing parts or is otherwise not ready or maybe not your speed, offer gentle suggestions and see if they’re responsive… if it can’t be fixed, don’t torture yourself either if it’s weighing heavily on you and just move on. A lot of musicians I’ve known went solo for a lot of the reasons you describe, and how they didn’t jive with their strong Type-A personalities. That said, in the band context there will be that give and take and sacrifice, so take the good with the bad and just remember to have fun in the process.

 

[75Ric]

What I've learned over the decades is I can't control others. In fact, I can't control much at all. So, when others act in ways I wished they didn't and I get upset about it, I only hurt myself. It's a paradox, right? Others do "bad," yet I'm the one suffering. I suffer because I get caught up in the story (which I am creating) -- "I can't believe they did, AGAIN! What's wrong with these people. They should know better. If I was in charge, I'd ..." That story resides in only one place: my head. It causes lots of stress. I found the antidote in meditation. Meditation teaches us about our thoughts and feelings and how to effectively deal with them. It's been the most powerful thing I've done for myself. It takes some time (I had/have a lot of stories), but well worth it. The real control comes with how you respond to the thoughts and feelings in your head. It's worth checking out.

 

[Krakmann]

Salud!

It seems you are a perfectionist. I understand how that can be tough dealing with human beings.

Maybe you should start a band where you're the BL and call the shots regarding rehearsals, songs, tempos, etc. But you'll have to compromise all the same with your mates because they will not be exactly as you want them to be.

 

[crguti]

it sounds to me like you're the 'problematic'... too long, too short, too hot, too cold.

 

[buldog5151bass]

You have to define your priorities. I'd rather not gig than play in a band that I would not pay to see.

 

[Winslow]

I recall reading Linda Ellerbee's And So It Goes: Adventures in Television (an excellent and highly-recommended memoir), in which one of her bosses tempered her early professional expectations by telling her, "It's only television."

I later adapted that idea into my own life. Would I like it better if everyone else worked to the same expectations I have for myself and a given job? Yes, most definitely. But finding - and holding together - a group of people who all have the same drive and determination is a very tall order for most band situations. (Any "working" situation, really.)

Sometimes I just have to remind myself that playing music is not surgery, we are not fighter pilots, and nobody is going to be convicted of a capital "music crime." Whatever happens, happens; Then the notes fade out, the sound waves float away to be re-absorbed into the air, and it's all ~gone~.

It's not always easy, but sometimes bearing that in mind makes it a little bit easier to simply shrug, and think, "Ok, we did that. Now what?" and move on to the next thing.

Good luck.

 

[Nuisance]

Salud!

It seems you are a perfectionist. I understand how that can be tough dealing with human beings.

Maybe you should start a band where you're the BL and call the shots regarding rehearsals, songs, tempos, etc. But you'll have to compromise all the same with your mates because they will not be exactly as you want them to be.

I came here to say this. I was (am) the same way as you are. Band members see me as being uptight........mostly because I'm done with dealing with lazy, stupid band members. So this last time around I bought a PA and started my own band. But even when choosing bandmates carefuly you'll likely find that there's always at least one slacker. But at least as the band leader you have control over whether they stay or go.

I found it helps to interview each band member very carefully before allowing them into the band. Have the same list of questions prepared, and use them to interview each applicant. Yes, I said applicant. You need to treat this just like any other job. Questions should obviously cover drinking, drug use, promptness, material preferences, gig expectations, etc. Then, go with your gut hunch. If you don't liker an answer, don't hire the person.....no matter how good they play their instrument or sing.

I know that seems like a lot for your average bar band, but it really helps a lot.

 

[el murdoque]

I'm pretty sure this has to be a blessing/curse of the bass player in most bands.
Our mind set is calibrated differently.

We work an important role, and we do it from the back, standing in the shadows beside the Hi Hat, while the lead guitar and singer are bathed in the limelight.
Being, as often described, the glue that holds the rhythm and the melody locked together, it's important for us to listen.
I mean, of course listening is important to any musician that plays with others, but for bassists this is ingrained from the get go.
We play the notes of the guitar chords to the pattern of kick and snare drum.
Music in a band is a team effort. This requires being on time, knowing one's parts and all that stuff.

 

[moon-bass]

If you find the need to "correct" people constantly or consider your band members lazy or stupid, then find another band. Maybe that band will have some one even more uptight than you, and you can be the lazy and stupid one.

 

[friskinator]

This is why I got out of playing live music. I got tired of all of the above, and I've never met a musician who accepted fault for much of anything. It's always someone else's fault if things don't go well.

 

[Leigh_D]

I agree with the others that you will be happier as the BL. Take your time and pick your musicians carefully. Make your expectations very clear and then be prepared to fire people fairly promptly if they don't respect those expectations. Find people that like to have fun when they play because if the band is having fun, the audience will have fun, too. It is possible for disciplined musicians to have a lot of fun.

And consider that you might need a short break before starting your new band.

**Leigh

 

[murphy]

I have been playing bass for more than 10 years, been in and out of many bands through various genres, never considered myself as a great bass player (but always tried to compensate by working my parts more than enough) and worked with musicians who I perceive to be both above and below my level of musicianship.

However I have always been unhappy about a certain aspect of the people or bands I worked with. Either they did not come to rehersals prepared, did not have adequate control over their instrument, did not select the right songs, did want to rehearse too much or too little, did not know how to entertain the audience, did not listen to what other band members played on stage, did play too fast or too slow, played drunk, did not know how to set the right price for shows etc. The list goes on and on.. I feel like I can rant forever. And there have been bad shows, a lot of them. where I could read the boredom of audiences from their faces and the band members still blamed the audience for "not knowing how to have fun" and not recognizing the fact that the band did not groove!

I'm feeling tired; I am fed up with being the one who always points out the shortcomings, the mistakes. Sometimes I try to convince myself, I must be really the only one who's wrong on how things should be running. That the show we did last week was actually "not that bad" (but somehow the band was not rehired the week after). But then they do something that (according to me) denies all logic and I find myself trying to "correct" people again. I actually blabber a lot, trying not to offend people but still wanting to correct them. And this happens so regularly and through so many different bands I am sure some people must see me as a PoS. For once, I want to stop being so uptight be an easy-going band mate and enjoy the music I make. Does anyone feel anything similar? Any insight would be appreciated.

You express my frustration throughout my career since I quit the Original and Indy scene .
I joined cover bands with a high work ethic, but my choice of bands has constantly brought me to play with people with alcohol and drug problems....Reggae...Ganja affecting quality of sound
Blues , RnB etc...Alcoholics...Booze...and weed
People think they play better under the influence...but the ones' Ive played with....Good players, Play like crap after/ except a rare Great.

All your complaints I have lived with...including people not bothering to learn songs between "rehearsals"

 

[EvilJ]

This is why I got out of playing live music. I got tired of all of the above, and I've never met a musician who accepted fault for much of anything. It's always someone else's fault if things don't go well.

This ^

Every situation I have ever left I always said to myself: "I would rather not do something, than do it poorly."

 

[bassplayer9512]

I have been playing bass for more than 10 years, been in and out of many bands through various genres, never considered myself as a great bass player (but always tried to compensate by working my parts more than enough) and worked with musicians who I perceive to be both above and below my level of musicianship.

However I have always been unhappy about a certain aspect of the people or bands I worked with. Either they did not come to rehersals prepared, did not have adequate control over their instrument, did not select the right songs, did want to rehearse too much or too little, did not know how to entertain the audience, did not listen to what other band members played on stage, did play too fast or too slow, played drunk, did not know how to set the right price for shows etc. The list goes on and on.. I feel like I can rant forever. And there have been bad shows, a lot of them. where I could read the boredom of audiences from their faces and the band members still blamed the audience for "not knowing how to have fun" and not recognizing the fact that the band did not groove!

I'm feeling tired; I am fed up with being the one who always points out the shortcomings, the mistakes. Sometimes I try to convince myself, I must be really the only one who's wrong on how things should be running. That the show we did last week was actually "not that bad" (but somehow the band was not rehired the week after). But then they do something that (according to me) denies all logic and I find myself trying to "correct" people again. I actually blabber a lot, trying not to offend people but still wanting to correct them. And this happens so regularly and through so many different bands I am sure some people must see me as a PoS. For once, I want to stop being so uptight be an easy-going band mate and enjoy the music I make. Does anyone feel anything similar? Any insight would be appreciated.

I left a band with two of my best friends from college because I can't take the keyboard player any longer. He joined after we had been playing together for our whole lives and really had our sound down after playing in college together.

Once he joined the band within 6 months it was him running the show and injecting his songs he wrote into our sets. They objectively weren't good and when we would play them at the gigs usually the bookers weren't happy because we were booked as a cover band. He was one of those guys that has a job with his dad's company and dresses like a balding dirty hippie. Greasy leather news boy cap and all. He would sing in an almost Jamaican accent and his material he wrote all sounded like if allman brothers tried to do reggae. The rest of the band was in love with this guy because we wanted a key player so bad and he was a good key player but kind of insufferable as a person. I decided to quit when I moved to my new house and it was an hour to practice and I started getting poopie from the rest of the guys for not being able to practice as much now. Their new bass player doesn't even come to their rehearsal just gigs.

Now I just play for a local buddy of mine that does acoustic gigs and just wanted someone else to play gigs with him. We only do 1 or 2 a month and it's all small venues and we get paid half of what my old band did but there are only 2 of us instead of 5 and I don't have to haul any gear other than a bass, small amp and cab. I also don't have to play gigs up to 2 hours from home and finish at 11pm to 1am.

 

[Parzival]

I think these things are beyond just bands. You’ll find them in all walks of life. Maybe not exactly, like getting parts wrong, but you’ll find lack of work ethic, personality issues, all kinds of similar issues in workplaces and all kinds of groups.

The root of the problem in America today (can’t speak to other places) is that no one is ever wrong and it’s not my fault.

It’s all just a symptom of life.

 

[rtslinger]

I agree with anyone who says start your own band you control the situation, is it a lot of work? hell yeah is it worth it for your own peace of mind? Yup, I have been steering the ship for about 20 years now with my current band. good luck RTS

 

[Killing Floor]

You either need to learn to accept the differences in other people’s skill and commitment OR you need new people.
You can’t change their commitment. Sometimes skill can improve but not effort. Not long term anyway.