Don't want to be the uptight one anymore

[Bullitt5135]

It's a journey, man. Surround yourself with people who share your vision and level of motivation. Even better, surround yourself with people who push you to be better.

I am that guy in my band. It's a good bunch of people, but I'm constantly having to stay on them about stage volume, stage presence, dressing appropriately for the gig, and generally living up to (and hopefully exceeding) our hard-earned reputation. I've worked my *** off the past 3 years getting this band to the point where we are known and respected in our community, and people are calling me out of the blue wanting to book us. That comes with a responsibility to deliver on expectations. The thing I keep stressing is if we can ALL find little ways to elevate ourselves individually, it will make a huge difference in the stature of the band and quality of gigs we get. My bandmates would all agree that we would never have gotten to where we are at without me driving things, so they generally go along with my vision. Like I said, it's a journey. Nobody says you have to settle for mediocrity.

 

[DirtDog]

Musicianship. Bandsmanship. Showmanship. I need all three at the intermediate level at least or I’m not interested in the project. Critical for a working band. I’m less picky if just jamming.

 

[CJAZ]

Musicians are what they are and always will be. If you are lucky you will get in with people who you gel with or can tolerate. If you are even more fortunate it will last for a year or two. That is just the way it is. I suggest you watch That Thing You Do and figure out which Wonder you are...

 

[bdplaid]

Many years ago, a friend showed up wearing a button expressing a belief which I adopted as a mantra: "Since I've given up hope, I feel much better."

 

[newwavefrank]

I have been playing bass for more than 10 years, been in and out of many bands through various genres, never considered myself as a great bass player (but always tried to compensate by working my parts more than enough) and worked with musicians who I perceive to be both above and below my level of musicianship.

However I have always been unhappy about a certain aspect of the people or bands I worked with. Either they did not come to rehersals prepared, did not have adequate control over their instrument, did not select the right songs, did want to rehearse too much or too little, did not know how to entertain the audience, did not listen to what other band members played on stage, did play too fast or too slow, played drunk, did not know how to set the right price for shows etc. The list goes on and on.. I feel like I can rant forever. And there have been bad shows, a lot of them. where I could read the boredom of audiences from their faces and the band members still blamed the audience for "not knowing how to have fun" and not recognizing the fact that the band did not groove!

Well good luck. Being in a band is like any relationship and you will have to compromise. Just as you band members have things they have not yet mastered (see items in yellow) You have a skill yet to mastered in working with others. Its hard, just like mastering your instrument, learning to entertain, etc, but it can be done. If you really can't accept the people at their current skill level, you may need to leave, because those improvements take time. Some of these (in blue) Should be fixable almost immediately if the offending parties agree and are willing. items marked in red I believe are just differences of opinion between you and them, and I believe are the items that most show that you don't understand that there is not just one way (your way) to do everything. Good luck and I hope you are able to deal with this through your musical, and life, journey. I will admit that 15 years ago (maybe 10) I could have written your OP myself, I am still learning to adapt to others way of thinking but it's definitely made my life better as I learn. the trick is differentiating between compromising to find reasonable middle ground, and settling to the detriment of the band or your own musical career. Best of luck

 

[pepj]

I can take a rehearsal being rough and unfinshed 1st time out. People are busy so time together is limited, but I really do expect it to be significantly better the next time.
If it isn't, then thats where you should expect to be called out. If this is not how you do or can work, you probably arent a good fit.
Tolerance is ok...but only upto a point where you are not bleeding people's time.

 

[KenSmithFan]

First off, do not stop caring. It is what stops us going through the motions..and that is a very common ..and undesirable, imv...trait i see in bands.

But you can't be the only one as it just wears you down.
So, I accept the picky perfectionist as a necessary evil...at times...just dont be an a$$ about it.
But by the same token, surround yourself with like minded people and let those other guys do something else.
You might find their way of doing things doesn't crash and burn audiences, but you need to find a balance in your bands, imv.
I try and stick to this and my friends know if I say check us out, we will at least be worth checking out.

Exactly. I say it over and over, “Most people don’t ask anywhere near enough questions before joining a band.” I’m in a traditional country band now playing guitar and we’ve had a terrible time finding a decent bass player. I think everybody hears “traditional country” and thinks easy. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable, but I do expect the right chords, the right feel and the right intros and endings. We had a dickens of a time finding someone who could actually play this music consistently. I charted it out, provided performance notes, provided YouTube links to the songs, but people still showed up unprepared. One guy, who I had sent all of the information to was playing the wrong chords and when I mentioned diplomatically what the correct chords were, he looks at me and says, “Well those are the chords I play.” I would have let it go, but his snotty attitude ticked me off so I said, “Well, we like to play the RIGHT chords.”

I played a gig with my other band at a small club last year and had the worst sub I’ve ever had in my life. The drummer recommended him (I know, what was I thinking) but the drummer is excellent and I figured the bass player would be excellent too. Well he showed up for rehearsal completely unprepared, couldn’t play a single song through without multiple mistakes (three or four chord classic rock and oldies tunes). I provided charts for all the tunes, but he didn’t pay any attention to them at the gig. I just smiled the whole time and played the right chords and pretended like everything was great, but inside I wanted to strangle him. The funny thing is that the drummer says he’s working all the time. I can’t imagine ever using him again. I’d cancel the gig before I would do that.

 

[mrcbass]

I have been playing bass for more than 10 years, been in and out of many bands through various genres, never considered myself as a great bass player (but always tried to compensate by working my parts more than enough) and worked with musicians who I perceive to be both above and below my level of musicianship.

However I have always been unhappy about a certain aspect of the people or bands I worked with. Either they did not come to rehersals prepared, did not have adequate control over their instrument, did not select the right songs, did want to rehearse too much or too little, did not know how to entertain the audience, did not listen to what other band members played on stage, did play too fast or too slow, played drunk, did not know how to set the right price for shows etc. The list goes on and on.. I feel like I can rant forever. And there have been bad shows, a lot of them. where I could read the boredom of audiences from their faces and the band members still blamed the audience for "not knowing how to have fun" and not recognizing the fact that the band did not groove!

I'm feeling tired; I am fed up with being the one who always points out the shortcomings, the mistakes. Sometimes I try to convince myself, I must be really the only one who's wrong on how things should be running. That the show we did last week was actually "not that bad" (but somehow the band was not rehired the week after). But then they do something that (according to me) denies all logic and I find myself trying to "correct" people again. I actually blabber a lot, trying not to offend people but still wanting to correct them. And this happens so regularly and through so many different bands I am sure some people must see me as a PoS. For once, I want to stop being so uptight be an easy-going band mate and enjoy the music I make. Does anyone feel anything similar? Any insight would be appreciated.

I have similar "social attributes" and it has cost me band roles in the past. It's hard to see things that, in my view, need to be addressed to make situations better. I've been that way all my life and honestly don't see myself really changing completely. But a couple of thoughts:

For me, working as a sub keeps my observations in check. I'm a guest and my job is to play bass and sing some. With the band I do a lot of sub work for, I do voice occasional opinions on things but I don't get worked up about them because ultimately, it's not my business. When I'm a "band member", I start taking ownership of the project (not in a take over kind of way, but in a responsibility aspect) and start to feel like I need to try to control things. At first it's not an issue but after a few months, things just need to be said.

I do find that here ways of speaking my mind that are accepted better than others. Posing things as questions/suggestions rather than statements or demands helps a lot. "What chord are you playing there? I have B#." works a lot better than "You're not playing the right chord!" "To me it sounds like you're bit loud in the mix." is better than "Turn down!", etc. Regarding band mates work ethics or lack thereof, you either need to move on or have them move on - I've never successfully remained in a band with people that I didn't respect. Unless you're talking about a high school situation where the kids don't have any clue yet, work ethic really doesn't evolve - you either have it or you don't. A few months ago, I walked away from a band because of several minor issues. I had voiced my concerns several months before walking and gave them time to change course. They didn't so rather than continue to be frustrated by their lack of respect for my wishes, I pulled the plug. I miss the work, but don't miss the situation. I'm currently in a project that has been floundering for a few years and I finally gave them notice that we need to be gigging by a specific date or I'm done. It lit a fire, and things are progressing.

IMO, all you can do is voice your opinions respectfully and be prepared to walk away from situations that have too much that you don't like.

 

[mrjim123]

I'm surprised at the musicians I encounter and/or hear about who think that their "talent" is all they need to bring to the table. Being in a band is a job, and like any other job the most important things are showing up on time, being prepared, respecting your co-workers, being open to constructive criticism, and seeking constant improvement.

I guess my solution is this: For quite a few years I have only joined established, gigging bands. The fact that they can gig regularly shows that, for the most part, they must be doing something right. I have no interest in forming a new band, joining a band whose members have bad reputations, or joining a band that can't get out of the basement. I'm 73, and I play with older, more mature musicians - they have figured how to succeed and get along; the others never figured it out and have little success to show for it.

 

[Jefenator]

I've mostly learned to roll with it - part of my long-term survival strategy.
But at least for me, being a hired-gun freelancer really helps.
When you're in 20 bands (or zero – depending on your definition of: "in") at least it's not constantly the same gripe, wearing all the way through; it's a rotating series of slightly different annoyances which IME are endemic to band life.
It is of course good – necessary, even – to speak up sometimes; I'll do so when I think there's a decent chance of improving the show. I find it's important to "read the terrain", factor in the personalities involved & time available.
I know at least one guy who spends a little too much time & energy trying to coach everyone, and that does become a liability. One more thing I have to learn to roll with...

 

[Carl Hillman]

I have been playing bass for more than 10 years, been in and out of many bands through various genres, never considered myself as a great bass player (but always tried to compensate by working my parts more than enough) and worked with musicians who I perceive to be both above and below my level of musicianship.

However I have always been unhappy about a certain aspect of the people or bands I worked with. Either they did not come to rehersals prepared, did not have adequate control over their instrument, did not select the right songs, did want to rehearse too much or too little, did not know how to entertain the audience, did not listen to what other band members played on stage, did play too fast or too slow, played drunk, did not know how to set the right price for shows etc. The list goes on and on.. I feel like I can rant forever. And there have been bad shows, a lot of them. where I could read the boredom of audiences from their faces and the band members still blamed the audience for "not knowing how to have fun" and not recognizing the fact that the band did not groove!

I'm feeling tired; I am fed up with being the one who always points out the shortcomings, the mistakes. Sometimes I try to convince myself, I must be really the only one who's wrong on how things should be running. That the show we did last week was actually "not that bad" (but somehow the band was not rehired the week after). But then they do something that (according to me) denies all logic and I find myself trying to "correct" people again. I actually blabber a lot, trying not to offend people but still wanting to correct them. And this happens so regularly and through so many different bands I am sure some people must see me as a PoS. For once, I want to stop being so uptight be an easy-going band mate and enjoy the music I make. Does anyone feel anything similar? Any insight would be appreciated.

Sounds like you're itching to be a band leader.

There's nothing wrong with wanting the music to sound the best it can, and wanting the business end of things to run smoothly. It's just a ton of work to take that on yourself. And, you've got to be the kind of personality that doesn't need the approval of your bandmates.

 

[jmlee]

 

[groove pump]

I have been playing bass for more than 10 years, been in and out of many bands through various genres, never considered myself as a great bass player (but always tried to compensate by working my parts more than enough) and worked with musicians who I perceive to be both above and below my level of musicianship.

However I have always been unhappy about a certain aspect of the people or bands I worked with. Either they did not come to rehersals prepared, did not have adequate control over their instrument, did not select the right songs, did want to rehearse too much or too little, did not know how to entertain the audience, did not listen to what other band members played on stage, did play too fast or too slow, played drunk, did not know how to set the right price for shows etc. The list goes on and on.. I feel like I can rant forever. And there have been bad shows, a lot of them. where I could read the boredom of audiences from their faces and the band members still blamed the audience for "not knowing how to have fun" and not recognizing the fact that the band did not groove!

I'm feeling tired; I am fed up with being the one who always points out the shortcomings, the mistakes. Sometimes I try to convince myself, I must be really the only one who's wrong on how things should be running. That the show we did last week was actually "not that bad" (but somehow the band was not rehired the week after). But then they do something that (according to me) denies all logic and I find myself trying to "correct" people again. I actually blabber a lot, trying not to offend people but still wanting to correct them. And this happens so regularly and through so many different bands I am sure some people must see me as a PoS. For once, I want to stop being so uptight be an easy-going band mate and enjoy the music I make. Does anyone feel anything similar? Any insight would be appreciated.

Our pal @Renaissance mentioned the aspect of expectations earlier. Few things are probably as important for our well being as learning to manage them and at least being aware of whether our expectations of ourselves and others are relatively reasonable. If they're either too high or too low, things are almost guaranteed to not go well. It tricks us into seeing the world through the wrong lens. (I've actually picked up a few useful lessons in psychology through many years as a tennis coach. I'll get to another one in a minute)

That doesn't mean that you need to lower your expectations. If you're aiming high, that's great. You won't achieve much with rock-bottom standards. But if some of your bandmates aren't aspiring to your level, that's not a crime. That's just their thing, right? If you assume that their expectations need to match your own, that's going to drive you bananas.

I routinely wrestle with this issue with my band - I know that we shouldn't be perfect, but I do know that we should be at least halfway decent. We've played dozens of solid shows together. But when we finish a gig and I'm actually a little ashamed to be taking somebody's money for the crap display we've just stumbled through, that leaves me doing some of the soul searching like you're describing in your OP.

I'm also working circles around the rest of the band at every show - you can probably relate. Nobody else gives a dang about learning the PA, so I've embraced those duties, upgraded the system (that includes making my own investments $$$), and I do nearly all the setup, tear down, and operation through the gigs. At least I know I'm making enough of an effort on my end

Although my situation - like yours - isn't ideal or even as much fun as I'd like it to be, I've had to think over whether or not it's worth my time and effort, at least for now. I more or less get along with everybody okay and we're also in a much better situation after moving on from a previous member who was actually the closest of all of us to being that griping perfectionist. Good musician, but he had a LOT of unsorted anger going on. At least for now, I can deal with this group without too much fuss.

One other psychology lesson has to do with the healthy version of selfishness. Your band situation needs to be good for you in the same way that tennis kids need to primarily play to please themselves and not their friends, parents, or coaches. If this band you're with isn't doing anything for you, Glenda the Good Witch of the North isn't going to float in and fix it for you. Take care of yourself with all this and either continue to coax that current group in a better direction or move on to something that might give you what you need. No finger-pointing or burning bridges. Just tell them that you're taking up other musical pursuits and wish them well.

 

[Thunderthumbs73]

I have been playing bass for more than 10 years, been in and out of many bands through various genres, never considered myself as a great bass player (but always tried to compensate by working my parts more than enough) and worked with musicians who I perceive to be both above and below my level of musicianship.

However I have always been unhappy about a certain aspect of the people or bands I worked with. Either they did not come to rehersals prepared, did not have adequate control over their instrument, did not select the right songs, did want to rehearse too much or too little, did not know how to entertain the audience, did not listen to what other band members played on stage, did play too fast or too slow, played drunk, did not know how to set the right price for shows etc. The list goes on and on.. I feel like I can rant forever. And there have been bad shows, a lot of them. where I could read the boredom of audiences from their faces and the band members still blamed the audience for "not knowing how to have fun" and not recognizing the fact that the band did not groove!

I'm feeling tired; I am fed up with being the one who always points out the shortcomings, the mistakes. Sometimes I try to convince myself, I must be really the only one who's wrong on how things should be running. That the show we did last week was actually "not that bad" (but somehow the band was not rehired the week after). But then they do something that (according to me) denies all logic and I find myself trying to "correct" people again. I actually blabber a lot, trying not to offend people but still wanting to correct them. And this happens so regularly and through so many different bands I am sure some people must see me as a PoS. For once, I want to stop being so uptight be an easy-going band mate and enjoy the music I make. Does anyone feel anything similar? Any insight would be appreciated.

It seems to me, you're not dealing with people who are professional, while you are professional. That doesn't make you a bad person, or an intolerant person, or in the wrong. Easier said than done, but you simply need to find more professionally-aligned or oriented people, if the ones you are currently dealing with refuse or cannot see the many merits of being more professional.

 

[mikeGJ]

You can either accept it and try to still have fun or you need to stop working with those people. It really is that simple.

I’ve been in such situations like I’'m sure most of us have at some point. As long as the audience isn’t booing and throwing things at the band, I just roll with it if I like who I’m playing with. I’m always amazed at how many people come up to the band and tell us how great we were and feed the tip jar when I’m embarassed by the sloppiness.

Some of those feeding the tip jar are fellow musicians, who see you working, if not really clicking, but assuring you that people are listening. I make it a point to tip, mouth "sounds great", smile and make some eye contact. Sometimes people do it for us, too. "Pro" mindset is to steady up as best possible and power through.

 

[hennessybass]

Uptight is in your head. The things happening in your band don't make you feel any way, you are the only one who decided how you feel and how you react.
Part of life's work is becoming the person who you want to be.

Use your current situations to work on becoming less uptight. Live and let live is a simple way to think about it. Focus on your potential and self improvement, have fun, and let the chaos happen around you.

I think if you do that, what you will find at a point is that you are ready to move on to play with different people. I think you will also find that if you focus on doing YOUR thing really really well (not on others), then opportunities will pop-up.

If you want the music and band to be exactly like you want it because you have some control issues, then maybe think about becoming BL or MD for your own group.

 

[Plucky The Bassist]

If you guys had solid gigs all day long and the crowd was going wild at every show, MAYBE I'd say you should re-examine yourself....but that doesn't seem to be the case. It's not your job to save people from making stupid decisions and acting on them. To have to do that constantly means this band is not worth your time.

FWIW, I've kept my mouth shut in many circumstances like that, and the others were chasing their tails in circles without a clue what the actual problem is. Though I did not partake, that's the last time I worked in a band that was "420-friendly" as they put it

 

[HolmeBass]

Thank you for the reply. And I agree, this is the answer to what I asked, and what I have to do. But practicing gratitude would have been much easier if people practiced their parts properly before coming to rehearsals or gigs

You have to look for the things you are grateful for - like the fact that you have the time and ability to learn your own parts well.

Focus on yourself. You can change yourself. Trying to change other people is a losing game bound to be frustrating.

 

[Pocket Dave]

I think getting into a situation where you're the BL would be disastrous.

Sure, you'd learn a lot and gain powerful hindsight. Problem is you'd more than pay for it; You're likely to become even more stressed to the point of flaming burnout if you try to do it with your current perspective.

Maybe that's the path you're on, but there's no rule that says you can't change paths.

What follows has been my path; I don't know if you'll get all the way through it; Thanks if you can, and thanks for bringing up the topic; It's actually already helped me in ways I won't get into now.

I was where you are as a young man. I feared losing control because I feared others wouldn't do things my way; I put all my energy into defiance of anything that threatened that. The result was I spun my wheels and got stuck in my head - a lot.

As others have mentioned, acceptance is the key. I'm just not in control of anything outside of my own thoughts, attitude and actions. Accepting that has been kind of freeing, and it's something I'm grateful for.

Also accepting that we're all flawed humans, including/especially ourselves.

Just a few things I've found helpful:

• An exercise in delegation: If you find yourself taking on too much in a group - It WILL happen if it hasn't yet with your/our personality type - You might tell the others "I've taken on more than my own bandwidth allows and I need some help picking up the slack". Then see if you can get one person to agree to take a specific task off your plate.
  • Provide whatever tools, collateral or documentation you have that can make the task simple, then let it go.
  • See if the task gets done and report back
    • If it got done, you're on your way to rewiring some toxic thinking, congrats! Now wash/rinse/repeat as part of your daily thing.
    • If the ball gets dropped and the task remains undone, no worries; That person just showed you that his or her flaws are in conflict enough with your peace of mind that you might consider working with someone else instead.
      • I'm all about second chances; My usual conversation under the circumstances goes along the lines of, "This isn't going to work for me; Let's try this a second time - What needs to happen differently for this to work?" If they drop the ball a second time, I rarely give 3rd chances; I work too hard to maintain my own peace of mind to give it away freely. Time to move on and work with someone else.
• Work on Gratitude, Faith & Humility:
  • Gratitude - Others have mentioned this. My story with gratitude is I'd just gone through a harrowing physical, mental and spiritual hell for 8 days due to bad choices I'd made in life. Then I caught XYZ pandemic when it first landed. When I finally got over it, a doctor diagnosed me with a not-good condition, also a result of bad life choices. When I presented my list of troubles to a counselor, she asked me, "Have you considered putting together a gratitude list? I looked her square in the eye and said, "Gratitude? Are you f*****g kidding me? That's got to be the stupidest f*****g thing I've ever heard. Weren't you just listening to me? Yeah. Turns out she was right. I try to put a lot on that list daily now. It's amazingly freeing.
  • Faith (this is not about religion, more about spiritual health) - If you don't have faith in a higher power, try to have faith in something bigger than you. At least have faith in the process. I've found it useful in many ways, two of which are equally freeing:
    • It let's me trust that I'm not in charge and I can turn it over/let it go.
    • Side benefit - It helps get me out of my head
  • Humility - I used to think humility was on the same lines as being humiliated. Now I consider it a gift. If acceptance is everything, it should probably begin with understanding, accepting and working on my own flaws.
• A Reading Assignment: There's so much good reading out there, it's hard to know where to start. One unlikely book I'd recommend is called The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*** - The word is actually spelled out except for the "U". Maybe it's just the glib, tongue-in-cheek tone; I found it so helpful that I loaned it to my son when I was done. I can't get it back from him now that he's done with it.
• Some Practical Advise: At some point, you'll probably take on the roll of BL, hopefully when you're ready.
  • A key trait of good leadership is identifying successful traits in others, seeking those out who have those traits and allowing them to exercise them without micro management.
    • Put in simpler terms, it's all about surrounding yourself with reliable, skillful people, then trusting them to help drive a successful outcome.
    • Odds are good the team you're currently working with right now "ain't it".
    • Not because they suck or some such, but because neither you or they are probably there yet; You're just not likely to be at point where you're able to easily identify and work with successful-trait people, and many of those you're working with are not likely ready to BE those people. At your age, they're definitely out there, it just takes more effort & skill on both ends - Many of us have had to make a lifetime of mistakes before finding ourselves on the right path (gaining even modest wisdom only with age can be little embarrassing). Good news - You deserve to be working with those people as long as your willing to embody successful traits - That's willing, not 100% able.

Great news is you've shown a willingness to start working in the right direction. Keep it up, go easy on yourself when you slip backwards and keep striving for perfection. Just understand the moment you think you've arrived, you're far from it - aim for perfection but accept progress as best choice between the two. As others have mentioned, get somebody to work with you on this stuff; A counselor, sponsor, trusted confidant, someone who's got a healthy perspective you want.

Then, by all means, remember to pay it forward with someone else who asks. You'll have your own story to share that may resonate with someone experiencing the same challenges. It's maybe the best way to help maintain peace of mind - Help someone else. Just make sure they want your help first.

Oh yeah - Did I mention it's all about acceptance?

 

[pepj]

......

For me, working as a sub keeps my observations in check. I'm a guest and my job is to play bass and sing some. With the band I do a lot of sub work for, I do voice occasional opinions on things but I don't get worked up about them because ultimately, it's not my business.....

Sure, you can sub for a gig and walk away thinking their problems remain their problems but i cant spend time cramming or prepping and then find the band are not on the same page.
I dont want to find out too late so I try and screen the few subs I'm willing to do and they need to offer me more than just a gig with pay.
Otherwise, they are just too much work for the money, and I've got better things to do.

I've got 5 projects..4 are up and running, ie, gigging, but a lot of homework still. (I know they will pay off but they are currently busting my balls) so I really dont need to carry any non functioning players.